Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: “Hopeless” is a word that I hear a lot from frustrated spouses whose marriages are undoubtedly in trouble.

In these situations, there is typically a separation or break either happening to the marriage or on the horizon.

Sometimes, the other spouse has even asked for a divorce.

And even as the invested spouse tries various strategies to change their spouse’s mind, they don’t always have much success.

No matter what they do, their spouse still seems unhappy. Or still wants out.

Someone might say,

“I’m starting to think that my situation is hopeless. And I’m typically a hopeful person. But my husband is giving me absolutely no reason to believe that we could ever get a second chance. He moved out six weeks ago and even getting him to talk to or text with me is a challenge. It is as if he is saying good riddance to our marriage life and closing the door. I have repeatedly tried to reach out to and engage with him over legitimate things. He will have none of it. I’ve asked him to accompany me on things that he would usually enjoy. He’s declined. It’s as if he wants to erase me completely from his life. I feel just the opposite. I desperately want my marriage but it’s starting to become very clear that what I want doesn’t matter at all. I know that feeling this way doesn’t help me. But I can’t seem to stop it because I’m a logical thinker and I cannot deny the evidence that is right in front of me. But I worry that I am going to sabotage myself. Can you still save your marriage when it seems hopeless? Or when you’re feeling hopeless?”

I’m not going to tell you that it is impossible. But I have come to believe, from my own experience, that you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.

And I know that it’s hard to feel hopeful when you have a difficult reality that you are dealing with. But I hope that I can offer you a bit of perspective.

What You’re Trying to Do When You Want to Save Your Marriage from a Hopeless Point of View:

This is an embarrassing confession, but I’m going to make it anyway.

I used to have daydreams about me sitting alone on our porch with a very long face or even crying. In this daydream, I’d be sitting there and thinking all hope was lost, when all of a sudden, my husband would come driving down our driveway.

I’d assume that he was coming to tell me that it was over. But, what do you know, he was coming to tell me that he was wrong and to get down on one knee and ask if he can move back in.

I could see this very clearly in my minds-eye. It played out like a rom-com.

But do you think it ever actually happened? Of course it didn’t.

But that doesn’t mean we didn’t get back together. We did. But I had to do more than just sit on my porch and feel down.

Positive, Active Hope Versus Negative Passive Hope:

From my own experience, I believe that you are going to have a much better chance of getting your husband back if you’re actively working on your relationship and your marriage.

But please don’t confuse what I’m saying. I’m not telling you to make a pest of yourself or to push yourself onto your husband when he’s reluctant to see you.

I tried this and it did much more harm than good.

No, what I’m telling you to do is to find teeny tiny opportunities where you can make progress and seize those.

Perhaps he may have just a few minutes to talk. Fill those two minutes with a positive conversation.

Perhaps he needs to ask you something about the kids or the house. Leave him with a smile on his face at the end of that conversation.

And if you have no opportunity to seize an opportunity with him soon?

I’ll bet you have an opportunity with YOURSELF.

From my own experience, I learned that making yourself stronger and better is one of the best things you can do to save your marriage.

And the best part is you have complete control over the person in that equation – yourself.

When you make yourself better, you’re often able to show your husband your best self – and that is usually the person he fell in love with to begin with.

I can’t tell you how much more effective this is than trying to use manipulation and emotions.

Find Where You Can Make a Contribution and Do It:

Another thing that you can do is take an honest look at where you may have contributed to the breakdown of your marriage and try to fix it.

• Have you been too critical?
• Too unwilling to compromise?
• Too oblivious to what was happening right in front of you?
• Did you take things for granted?

When people tell me that they can’t save their marriages by themselves, I beg to differ.

You can most certainly try to fix the things that you control.

And those things are your own behaviors and your own mistakes.

Doing The Right Things At The Right Time Can Restore Hope:

And as you begin to take action, do you know what will begin to happen?

You’ll start to feel as if you are actively doing something to help yourself.

And that is going to give you some hope.

And you’re going to project more positivity.

And in my experience, this positive state is much more likely to attract a reluctant husband than a negative state.

I’m not saying that it is impossible to re-attract your husband when you are hopeless. I have seen it happen. But only a couple of times.

So I believe that it is more much likely to attract positive things when you have positive emotions – like hope.

Always remember that tomorrow is a new day. Just because things aren’t great today, this doesn’t define your tomorrow.

People change their perceptions and their minds all of the time.

My husband changed his mind.  But not without my doing the right things at the right time (and believe me, I made plenty of mistakes before I learned this)  That entire story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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