Leslie Cane Articles

by: leslie cane: I recently heard from a wife who had received divorce papers while at work. Although she knew that things weren’t going so great in her marriage, she was a little shocked that her husband had proceeded and had taken the first steps toward splitting up. The wife was not sure how she should respond. She knew that she was going to have to face him eventually. And she wanted to say and do the right things. She actually did not want a divorce. so she was trying to avoid the things that would make this worse.

But she knew that she couldn’t hide her anger and sadness. And, she also had a little voice in the back of her head telling her that she should worry about her own interests and assets. As her anger increased, she became more and more inclined to fight back and to “play hard ball.”

My goal was to get her to calm down and to think more deeply about how such a knee jerk reaction would affect her situation. Yes, it might help her release some of her emotions to strike back at him, but this response would only make her job more difficult in the long term. And in this situation, especially if you want to save your marriage, you have to place your attention on long term gains rather than short term ones. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Leave The Legal Strategies To The Experts: I agreed with the wife that it would not hurt to go and see a professional about her situation and her options. Unfortunately, you really shouldn’t avoid this side of it. With that said, I’m not a legal expert (or any expert at all) and this article is not going to be about legal strategies.

However, you should never allow the legal part of this issue to bleed into the emotional and personal part. If you do, you will most likely further damage it. As best you can, try to keep the two things different. You can go and see someone on your own and you really don’t need to discuss this at length with your spouse. Saving your marriage, of course, is going to be your first priority, but you probably should not ignore what is going on around you. And that’s why it’s best to let whoever you chose for the legal experts (should it come to that) do their job and you place your focus on where it needs to be. This will allow you to save your energy and efforts for what is really important.

Watch To Make Sure That Your Actions And Responses Makes Your Situation, And His Perceptions, Better: I know that it can be a real downer to have to watch what you say and do. You’re very likely on edge right now and it’s very tempting to just give in to your emotions once in a while. But, that will often come back to haunt you. If you can swing it, try to make sure that most of your actions and emotions (at least those that your husband sees) are part of an overall strategy meant to make him change his perceptions about what he’s doing and what he wants.

Your best case scenario, and what you really want, is for him to begin to see you, and the marriage, in a more positive manner. To that end, you want to be calm and in control when you do respond. It’s best to just be direct and to try and make him believe that you both want the same things. This is important because if he believes that you are on opposite sides, he is going to try to avoid you more and more.

So when you face him, get to the point and tell him that you’ve received the divorce papers and it upset and hurt you, but you can’t turn back the clock so you are just going to deal with the reality that is right in front of you. Consider telling him that you’re sorry and hurt that he is moving forward, but your bigger concern is that you are able to maintain the relationship – at least in one form or another. Tell him that he’s one of the most important people in your life and that, even if the relationship changes into something else, you hope that the relationship itself won’t end. Tell him that your goal is that you are both happy, so you don’t see the need to do anything that is only going to make you both miserable.

I understand it may be a challenge to pull this off, but it can be important that you do. This will hopefully contribute to his being available to you so that you will have an easier time improving things in the days to come. Your goal is to very slowly gain some ground without pushing too hard. Over time, you want for him to see the same agreeable, fun loving and light hearted woman he first fell in love with. I know that it might feel like a huge challenge, but you want to replace the negative and hopeless thoughts and feelings that he has right now with more positive and hopeful ones.

This probably won’t happen overnight. But typically if you show him a very calculated reaction that he didn’t expect and which pleasantly surprises him, that’s generally a good start onto which you can rebuild. I know that the threat of divorce makes this all seem more immediate, but it’s very important to not let the panic and desperation cause you to act in a way that hurts rather than helps you.