Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: If you’re asking this question about your relationship or marriage, I have to assume that you’re either split up or are considering taking a break or divorce. Depending on where you are on this spectrum (and how receptive your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife is to you), this process may be easier or harder and may take longer or be a short process. But no matter where you are, the methods for reuniting are the same. Getting back together really requires two things, which you can achieve by taking baby steps until you get the relationship back where you want it. I’ll discuss this process in this article.

Bringing The Spark Back In Your Relationship: I know this may seem hard to believe, but often, “falling out of love” is due more to a lack of time and attention to the relationship than it is because of external factors like cheating, infidelity, or stressful / crises situations. (All of these external factors mentioned are symptoms of a marriage/relationship in trouble rather than the cause of it).

The cause of “falling out of love” or “losing the spark” is almost always an increasing lack of intimacy. The precursor to intimacy is almost always time and attention.

Think back to when you were first dating. You probably put a lot of time and effort into your partner. At first, at least, you were careful to show them the best version of yourself on a regular basis. The result was probably an intense, solid, and intimate relationship.

Over time, though, life gets in the way. We have to pay attention to our obligations and responsibilities. We begin to think that it’s unrealistic to pour all of our time and energy into one thing or person.

No one is asking you to do that, really, but if you think hard about the beginning of your relationship, I’ll bet you’ll remember that any fights or disagreements were glossed over or solved quickly. People who are intimate and in love just don’t want to spend their time arguing. So, it’s important to get back to this point in your relationship. If you can, everything else will fall into place so much easier.

Appearing More Attractive And Appealing To Your Ex So He Wants To Get Back Together: It’s very common for people to pull out all of the emotional stops when faced with a breakup or divorce. It makes sense to think that the longer there is distance between you, the harder it will be to get back together. The problem with this strategy is that it often makes you act in such a way that is not typical of you which you will later regret. It can also make you appear more unattractive to your significant other or drive them further away.

Always keep in mind whether your actions will help or hurt your desire to get back together. Only engage in behaviors that will promote positive (rather than negative) feelings. This means you shouldn’t beg, stalk, follow, engage with, or push your partner’s buttons, or repeatedly bug, text, and call if they are not receptive to this. I understand that you want and need their attention right now, but eliciting negative feelings in them is not the way that you want to get it.

Instead, you should, (every chance you get), display yourself as the person your partner first fell in love with. This doesn’t mean you have to be young again or look like Jessica Alba (although you should pay careful attention to your appearance).

I’d be willing to bet that if you think about it though, you can pinpoint those qualities that your husband or boyfriend first loved about you (your attentiveness, chemistry, open heart, sense of humor, etc.) Are you showing these qualities to them now on a regular basis? It’s vitally important to do this, even if it is challenging right now. Of course, you can not be overtly obvious about this. If they suspect you are game-playing, they are going to put up a larger wall.

What If He Doesn’t Want To Get Back Together? I have a lot of people tell me, “Your methods make sense, but my husband/boyfriend won’t even take my calls and/or is very mad and not speaking to me.” Well, if your significant other is not receptive or seems to have moved on, the process will take longer and will require more baby steps.

First, you’ll probably need to agree with them (or at least make them think you are). Then, you’ll display a woman who loves them very much but who loves herself enough to take care of her own emotional needs. Make sure your partner knows you love him and want to work things out, but you only need to say this a few times. Then, get out, see friends, and do more of those things that make you happy (and it doesn’t hurt if you can find a way to leak this to your ex). This will likely, over time, peak their interest and give you an “in.” If it doesn’t, you may have to arrange an “accidental” or “taking care of loose ends to move on” meeting over coffee, but try everything else first.

I had to use this approach when I was the only one who gave a flip about saving my marriage – although he did get on board eventually. And this was because I changed course. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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