Will Still Supporting My Spouse Make Him Want To Come Back?
By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of separated spouses who, quite understandably, are trying to overcompensate during their separation. What I mean by this is that they are trying to be as nice, as accepting, and as accommodating as they can possibly be – in the hopes that this will help them achieve a reconciliation and get their spouse home. They sometimes get criticism for doing this. But I completely understand it because I did it myself. I figured that anything that I could do to make things better and easier between us, the better it would be for our marriage and hopefully for our eventual reconciliation.
One of the ways that people will try to compensate is to offer their support. This support can come in the form of emotional, physical, or financial support. Sometimes, their spouse is not always receptive to the support, but they still try. Probably the type of support that is the most well-received is financial support, but people get criticized the most (and question themselves the most) when they offer it.
For example, someone might say: “for the last two years, I have supported my husband while he has attended graduate school. This really isn’t a big deal because he supported me while I was in undergraduate school (when he had already graduated and was working.) So it’s not like I did something for him that he hadn’t done for me. (Although I will say that I supported him for longer and that his education was more expensive than mine.) However, he changed while in graduate school. He started hanging out with younger people and acting as if I was holding him back. I guess it’s a typical and early midlife crisis. Anyway, he told me that he wanted a separation and I admit that I was very shocked and hurt. When it became obvious that he just refused to change his mind, I told him that I was no longer going to support a man who wasn’t sure that he wanted to be my husband. Needless to say, this did not go over very well. And after that, he was less open to seeing and talking to me. I have to say that things are really pretty bad between us now. He seems pretty content hanging out with the much younger crowd and working at a menial job to support himself. But now I’m wondering if I withdrawing my support was a mistake. Now I am wondering if I should offer to still support him and if so, how would I even say these words without it sounding like I’m trying to bribe him or to buy his love? Still, I’m kind of ashamed of myself for withdrawing my support when the going got rough. Is it a good idea to offer to support him again?”
Things To Consider: The above question is a tough one. I would think that you have to consider how you think he might receive your offer and how you think it might affect your relationship should he accept it. For example, let’s say that for the sake of argument he agrees with and appreciates your willingness to financially support him again. Does this mean that he would be receptive to you? Or would he just accept your generosity but continue to keep his distance? If this were the case, would you worry that he was only using you?
For these reasons, I would suggest FIRST trying to establish more contact with him and then evaluating the situation. That way, if things begin to get better between the two of you and you decide to offer your support again, you will at least have confidence that you are not being used. And if he continues to be resistant to you, well, at least you will have that information to factor into your decision.
I don’t necessarily think that you are trying to buy his love, especially since he did the same for you. But you have to be careful not to change the dynamic between you. He may resent having to depend on you and you may feel used. You want to make sure that the support is being given for the right reasons and not just as a carrot to dangle in front of his face to lure him back.
What I Believe Works Better Than Anything Else: In my own experience, the best way to get him back is to make him WANT to come back. Manipulation, bribery, and the like may work for a very short period of time, but they have a way of backfiring on you. I know this only because I tried all of these methods and had them backfire. It wasn’t until I came up with a plan that allowed my husband to think that I was finally giving him what he wanted that he willingly became open to me again. This shift was the final piece of the puzzle that allowed me to make some progress during my separation. (There’s more about that here: http://isavedmymarriage.com)
I’m not suggesting that you not support him, but I am suggesting that you really take the time to examine the situation and explore alternatives before you make the offer. And if you make it, you want to make sure that the dynamic between you does not change in a negative way. Further, you don’t want to depend on this variable to save your marriage. Truly saving your marriage usually takes genuine desire by both parties and genuine change. Supporting your husband is a nice gesture, but it does nothing to address the issues that lead to the separation.
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