Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the biggest concerns that I get in correspondence from a separated spouse is whether or not their spouse misses them. They typically ask for signs that will tell them that this is true. Or, if they feel that they are not seeing these signs, they can ask about ways to inspire their spouse to miss them. Many people believe that a special set of circumstances might make this easier – like seeing one another in person or at special occasions.

Someone might have a concern like: “honestly, I do not know that my husband misses me. We have been separated for almost five weeks. He calls every couple of days to talk to and to check on the children. He doesn’t always ask to speak with me, although sometimes he does. When we do talk, he never seems particularly interested in what I have to say. And he never indicates that he thinks of me beyond the kids. He has made no attempt to see me. While we have been separated, I have worked on my appearance. I have gotten into a little bit better shape and have lost some weight. I have also colored my hair. Of course, it’s only been five weeks, so the change is not all that dramatic, but there has definitely been a change. I believe that I look better than I have in a long time. I don’t think that it was my looks that contributed to our separation, but I believe that every bit helps. In about a month, our niece is getting married. We were invited as a couple, but both of us still plan to attend because we both love our niece. My husband will see our children before then, but he probably will not see me. I am wondering whether seeing me at the wedding will make him realize that he misses me? Is this even possible? Could the wedding, which is going to celebrate love and commitment, perhaps spark some memories in him? I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’d like to think so.”

It’s difficult to predict the future, but it is certainly not uncommon for a chance or planned meeting to make separated spouses realize how much they have missed one another. And sometimes, this takes them by surprise. Sometimes, they have had limited contact and so they have been able to keep their feelings wrapped tightly. But then when they see their spouse, this often awakens something inside of them. And, the sight of their spouse affects them in a way that they hadn’t expected.

It’s even better when this is topped off with a very laid-back and fun encounter where the two of you can relax and laugh. A wedding is a very nice occasion for this to happen. However, I think that you want to be careful that you don’t anticipate this so much that you put a lot of pressure on it. Because if you do this, you may not be able to relax and just let things happen.

Not only that, but you want to remember that this is your niece’s special day – which is cause for celebration.  And you don’t want to do anything that is contrary to this. So try to make sure you put the focus on a happy occasion for your niece. This helps you remember to have a joyful, upbeat attitude. And this should help you to be approachable to your husband.

Assuming that everything goes well, a face-to-face meeting like this one can be the first step toward things changing or improving. But you don’t want to take things too far and assume that this one meeting is going to mean everything. I know that it is tempting and I have done this too. It is a very common mistake, but it often backfires because it doesn’t allow for any foundation or for gradual progress. And sometimes, it will cause your husband to pull back.

It is better to see the day for what it is – a joyful celebration that allows you to see your husband face-to-face and to focus on having a fun time at a happy family occasion. Hopefully, it will go well and then you use it as the stimulus to schedule new and additional meetings. This can be a wonderful starting off point.

However, if things don’t go as planned, don’t be discouraged. It may not be the right time yet. Your husband may determined to take his time and trying to force it may just make things worse.

I am happy to hear that you are working on yourself because I think that this is usually the single best thing that you can do to improve your situation. I would continue this self-work regardless of what happens with the wedding. And I would just keep trying with additional face-to-face meetings without believing that any one particular meeting is going to make or break an entire marriage.

It is typically a series of events and experiences that shape what happens. Sure, the wedding may be the beginning – and that would be wonderful. But when you think that the wedding is going to be his only opportunity to miss you, not only is this likely wrong, but it just contributes to you being too nervous and not being able to enjoy yourself.

I used to put ALOT of pressure on face-to-face meetings when I was separated.  It actually made the meetings worse.  It wasn’t until I just told myself to wait and see what happened without so many expectations that things changed.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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