Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from women who assumed that the long length of their stable marriage was going to provide them with some safety or protection from a divorce or separation. Many are shocked when their spouse suddenly declares that he is no longer happy and requests time apart. The wives can understandably be incredulous about this. Doesn’t decades of being this man’s wife and mother to his children count for something? When will he come to his senses and realize that he’s being an idiot?

A wife might say: “I have been married to my husband for over twenty years. We have had our trials and tribulations like everyone else. However, we have raised two wonderful kids and the youngest will be going to college soon. So this should be the time when we are finally alone and can enjoy life without worrying about childrearing. Apparently my husband has other ideas. He says that we have grown apart and that we don’t really have all that much in common. He says he hates visiting his own parents because all they do is bicker and he doesn’t want to live the rest of his life that way. I would never compare our marriage to his parents’ marriage. We do not fight that way. We may have grown apart somewhat, but who hasn’t after twenty years? My kids growing up has done a number on my husband. He seems to think that he suddenly needs to sow his wild oats and I apparently can not be part of that. He says that he is going to look at apartments and then go from there. Some of my friends say that he will eventually come to his senses, but I am not sure about this. He seems very convinced that marriage potentially no longer works for him. Do older men eventually come back to their senses when they leave a marriage of twenty years or even more?”

Statistics On Grey Divorce: Some couples definitely do come to their senses. However, sociologists have noticed a disturbing new trend called “grey divorce” in which people older than 50 are getting divorced at far higher rates. Plus, it is not just second marriages that are ending. In fact, 55 percent of grey divorces are couples on their first marriage who have been married for twenty years or longer. Sociologists are not completely sure what is responsible for this trend. But they suspect that since couples are living longer and they no longer have to worry about the social stigma of divorce, they are more apt to pull the plug if they believe that they are truly not happy. Sometimes, it is women who pull the plug, since they have higher incomes and more options than women of the past. Do some of these couples reconcile after they have some space and realize that the grass is not always greener? Absolutely. For some, the separation is only temporary. For others, they go ahead and separate and divorce. Some eventually do regret this decision, since second marriages tend to be less successful than first marriages. Some regret having to go through the trials of aging with much less of a support system. But some people do continue to believe that their freedom and newfound happiness is worth ending a long term marriage.

Trying To Change His Perception: So what separates the different outcomes? In my opinion, it comes down to the perception of the person who initiated the separation in the first place. That person can sometimes come to realize that they were just plain wrong. Other times, their spouse conducts themselves in a way that encourages this revelation. Still others never change their perception and continue to think that marriage just does not work for them.

Knowing this, you can certainly attempt to sway the circumstances in such a way as to increase the chances of your spouse changing his perception. You can offer to give him space. If he is receptive, you can try to bridge the gap between you. And you can try to spice things up if you think that your spouse has grown somewhat bored. If your spouse will not accept any of these options, you sometimes have to work with what you have – meaning that if he does move out, you have to try to maintain positive interactions between you and hope that he will eventually realize that he had unrealistic expectations. Even though it may seem obvious to you that your spouse is being self-centered and expecting too much, you don’t want to say or imply that. You want for him to think that you support his happiness as much as you support your own.  The goal is that you want for him to realize on his own that he is going to be happier with you in his life than out of it. This often won’t happen if you’re nagging, pressuring, or guilting him.

Instead, you want to be supportive and, if he asks for it, to give him space. I can’t overstate how much of a challenge this can be at times. But in my own experience, it is better to respect this request (when there are no other options) than to push, have him avoid you, and have him think that you’re purposely trying to stand in the way of his happiness and growth. You want him to see you as part of the happiness equation – and not opposed to it.  I know that having patience can make it feel like you’re just sitting by and waiting for him to make up his mind and I know how frustrating that can be. But I also know how frustrating and painful it is to have someone ignore or avoid you because you are acting desperate and pushing.  That really is the worst thing that you can do, at least it was in my own case.  It almost meant a divorce for me. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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