Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives looking for a way to change their husbands’ minds about a separation or divorce. Often, they’ve already tried various methods to get him to change himself or to change his mind. And they’ve not been successful. So they decide they’ll perhaps try to tackle something over which they have complete control – themselves. One of the ways that they try this is to attempt to become a better version of themselves or a better person.

A wife might explain it this way: “My husband is going to leave me shortly, I’m afraid. He’s been talking about it for weeks. He says he can’t stand to live with me anymore. He says that my negativity and anxiety make me very hard to live with. He thinks that I am selfish and think only of myself. The thing is, I’d like to be indignant about all of this, but there is a bit of truth to what he says. I AM anxious, but I am mostly that way because I’m afraid of losing him. I do wish I could be a better wife and person. He’s right that I have been selfish in the past, and I do regret that. But so has he. I think if I tried very hard and could cultivate more self-awareness, perhaps I could get him to realize that I can be a better person. And perhaps if he sees that I am a better person, he won’t want to leave. Is this a reliable thought process? Is it possible for a husband to see his wife has become a better person and then not leave?”

Changes Can Make a Difference, But They Take Time and Must Be Genuine and Sustainable: Anything is possible. My husband saw changes in me during my separation, and I do believe that this contributed to our reconciliation. But I have to be honest with you, the changes in me were not a fast process. I almost had to be forced into them by my own mistakes. So the fact that you are as self-aware as you are is likely an advantage that I didn’t fully have. 

Still, real change takes quite a bit of time. He hasn’t filed divorce papers, and you haven’t mentioned if he intends to, so there is a chance there is time. But it’s very important that you make changes that you can keep. One of the worst things you can do is to make “phantom changes” which are, at least in my view, changes only made to lure a husband back and then dropped once he gets back. 

Because that will destroy any trust you’ve managed to regain. And he will very wary of any claims you make the next time. When I was making changes, I worked with a therapist for some of them, and I made one change at a time. Otherwise, it would have been overwhelming and unrealistic, and I had to come back and revisit some of the work I did occasionally when I would drift back into my old habits. 

My husband was reluctant to believe in my changes. I had to just wait and continue to be very consistent with my new behaviors. In truth, I couldn’t blame his doubts. My behavior HAD been all over the place, and I was still a work in progress. Heck, I’m STILL a work in progress, and that’s okay. But I think that my willingness to keep trying became evident over time, and he eventually saw that I was very sincere.

Make the Changes that Please You First: While I do think that making needed changes can definitely help, I don’t think you need to beat yourself up or believe that you’re a bad person. It is important to keep in mind that your husband is likely frustrated and angry right now. So he may be quite generous about the criticism he’s giving you. In other words, what he’s telling you may be exaggerated. That’s why it makes sense to take an honest look at what you really need to change. You don’t seem blind to your issues, and I’d strongly suggest seeking help if you can. Mental health is beneficial in ways that have nothing to do with your marriage, but it can help on that front too.  

I’d also suggest taking a methodical approach. Find issues that you are your husband both want to change and start with the issue that seems the easiest to tackle and to feel good about yourself first. Don’t think that you can change everything in a day. You likely can’t. This is hard work, and it takes time. I applaud you for doing it. 

You Probably Don’t Need to Announce Your Self-Improvement: Although I think it’s fine to share with your husband that you’re making changes, I wouldn’t advocate announcing that you’re going to become a better person. It is better to “show, not tell.” If you make a sweeping announcement, he’ll likely only doubt you anyway. But if you show him the changes and let him come to his own conclusions, he will be more likely to believe them. 

Finally, although becoming a better person may benefit you in all sorts of ways, don’t assume it will magically fix your marriage. There are two people within it and two people who have their own sets of issues. There are likely issues that you’ll both need to tackle together eventually. Becoming a better person may make your husband want to work with you. And that’s great. That means you and he can work together to erase the issues standing between you.

That’s basically what happened in my case. I made some changes on my own, and that shift allowed my husband to see that it was worth it to then try to work with me to see if more could be salvaged. Thankfully, it could. But I don’t think I was a bad person initially, and I’m sure you aren’t either.  If it helps, you can read more about how I eventually got it together, even when separated, and saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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