Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’ve read any of my articles, you know I’m a big advocate of giving your spouse the space that they have asked for. One reason for this is because often, if you don’t respect their need for space, they are going to take it anyway and your refusal is potentially going to damage your marriage even more.

Not only that, but often giving space can allow your spouse to miss you and to see you more favorably.  This, in turn,  can help you save your marriage. But, some people mistakenly believe that all you have to do is give your spouse some space, wait for a little while, and then find your marriage miraculously transformed or saved. Unfortunately, this isn’t the way that it works each and every time. Giving your spouse space is an important step, but it isn’t the only step.

I heard from a wife who said: “I have heard that when separated, you should give your spouse space. I guess I understand this. I don’t want to do it, but I feel like I have no choice. So if I give my husband space, will this save my marriage? Because I almost feel like I need a guarantee in order to make that leap. I don’t want to just give in and allow him to leave me, but I guess if this is what I have to do in order to save my marriage, then I will force myself to do so.”

Giving Your Husband Space Is Usually Only Step One: I didn’t want for this wife to misunderstand the whole concept of giving your spouse some time away from you. Giving your spouse space is not a guarantee that this act alone will save your marriage. Space is often step one of some additional marriage saving steps. Look at it this way, giving the space is kind of like opening the door. When done correctly, it will encourage your spouse to miss you and to be more receptive to you. So, if the circumstances in your marriage also change for the better, then the stage is set for you to have some success. But, you can’t just sit and wait for more success to come your way. You usually have to take some action.

Step Two Is Usually Reconnecting: If step one is successful and the space has allowed your husband to miss you and therefore to be more receptive to you, then it’s time to work on reconnecting. This is the step where many people miscalculate and therefore fail. I know first hand that it’s so tempting to want to get him back to you as soon as possible. But understand that this is a very delicate time. You don’t want to move too quickly or to push too much. You have him in a position where he’s thinking that maybe he was wrong about you or the marriage or acted too quickly, so don’t do anything to change his mind.

See, even though he may be very receptive to you, he still likely has some doubts. This is normal. He still probably remembers those problems or issues that lead up to him wanting space in the first place. Those things aren’t going to magically disappear because he misses you. It’s so important that you understand this.

No matter how much better things feel when he starts to be more receptive, you are often still on shaky ground, especially in the beginning. Don’t try to make any permanent moves until you have first laid a very strong foundation. Take things slowly. Go on dates and reconnect before you even think about tackling your problems. You want to get back to that point where you are both falling in love again. Because the waters ahead may well be rough. But if you are feeling loving and intense feelings for your spouse and you are going through a process of rediscovery, then you (and your spouse) will often be more willing to have patience and an open mind as you work through your problems. This is vital. Because if you try to work through your problems before you are reconnected, you are going to have a much more difficult time.

Step Three Is Addressing The Difficult Problems That Lead To Him Wanting Space In The First Place (But Only When Your Marriage Can Withstand It.) Hopefully, you have had some restraint and you’ve both given your spouse space and taken things slowly. If things are going well, by now you’re now at a point where you’re reconnected and you are both willing to make things work. But here is where the real work begins. As tempting as it can be to gloss over your problems, it’s so important that you don’t. Even if things seem to be going wonderfully, resist the temptation to ignore those issues that are possibly still lying in wait.

This doesn’t mean you have to start fighting again or need to dwell on your problems. You shouldn’t do either of these things. If you find that you don’t know how to work through your issues, get some help. You don’t have to make this process an uncomfortable one. You can discuss your issues in a hot tub, on vacation, or while having fun together. There is no right or wrong way to do it as long as you do it. And you may find that there are some issues on which you just can’t agree. This doesn’t have to be your undoing. You can agree to disagree on some issues as long as you both agree on ways to compromise or work around the remaining issues.

So to answer the question “if I give my husband space, will it save my marriage,” the answer is maybe, as long as you follow up space with the right gradual course of action.

I will be honest.  The last thing I wanted to do when my husband asked for space was to give it to him.  I did everything in my power to change his mind, to make him feel guilty, and to trick him into settling for compromises.  None of these things worked.  And I was forced into both giving him space and backing off.  But you know what?  It was the backing off (with a little strategy mixed in) that made all of the difference.  If it helps, you can read about how I played this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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