Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are very reluctantly separated went into this hoping that things wouldn’t be as bad as initially feared. In other words, the wife hoped that the separation would bring her husband closer to her instead of further away. She hoped she would be pleasantly surprised at how much her husband missed her and reached out to her. Unfortunately, sometimes, this best-case scenario doesn’t happen. Instead, it is the opposite. Instead, the separation gets off to a somewhat disastrous start because her husband completely ignores her.

She might say, “I knew things weren’t great between us when my husband left. He was very intense, and although he held it together, I could tell he was angry that things worked out this way. We both hoped we could pull it together, and I would have kept trying, but he apparently thought he couldn’t take it anymore. He doesn’t feel that we – and particularly me – have made sufficient progress. Still, he said that we could communicate during this separation. He made it seem like he wouldn’t just abandon me. But it feels like that’s exactly what he’s done. He’s completely ignored me. He hasn’t called or reached out. And when I tried to reach out to him, I got a terse text back telling me that he made it clear that he needed time and that I need to respect that. Well, there’s a difference between ‘time’ and complete silence in my opinion. And if this is how it’s going to be, I don’t hold out much hope for our future. Why would he start out of the gate totally ignoring me this way?”

I know that this is painful and somewhat confusing. But it may make you feel somewhat better to know that this is common. My husband definitely ignored me sometimes, and eventually, with work, things improved between us. And we are still married today. So the way you start isn’t always the way you end up.  

With that said, it may help to understand why he may be ignoring you initially. I’ll list some possibilities below, but remember that just because you are seeing some of these behaviors now, that doesn’t mean that you will always see them. 

He’s Still Angry or Frustrated:  Since this is a new separation, you likely haven’t had time to address your most pressing issues. Therefore, the issues which caused him to leave are still very present and are likely still causing problems and frustration. Therefore, he may feel like there’s just not much to talk about yet. Of course, this won’t always be true. There will be a time in the coming days to make important changes.

He’s Unsure How He Wants to Proceed:  Separated husbands are often as unsure as you are. They don’t know how the separation is going to go, either. Sometimes, all they know is that they want to give the situation some time to calm down, and they’d like a little quiet initially. While it might seem like they are ignoring you, they may just be trying to establish a pause or get used to their new normal before they reach out. Sometimes, it isn’t quite as bad as it seems.

He’s Trying to Set A Precedent for Space and Time:  Many separated husbands are very serious about wanting some time to themselves initially. If they didn’t think they needed that time, they wouldn’t have taken the drastic stance of leaving. Some of them see remaining quiet and not reaching out as a way to assert their need for space. Many of them are also trying to set a precedent of them reaching out to you when they are ready or when they think the time is right. It’s easier to communicate more later than to pull back because he gave too much too soon.

He’s Just Not Ready To Reach Out Because He Isn’t Sure Where His Head Is: Some separated husbands don’t reach out initially because they know you’re going to ask them what they’re thinking and feeling, and they honestly just don’t know yet. So rather than mislead you or tell you something that may or may not be true, they decide to wait until they have a more firm sense of what they feel and how they want to proceed.

How to Handle This: I know that it’s tempting to keep reaching out to him and demand that he acknowledge and talk to you. It’s likely tempting to want to tell him that he’s being disrespectful, rude, and hurtful. But he may well already suspect that you feel this way. And making him defensive and angry isn’t likely to make things better.

Instead, you can reach out to let him know you’re here when he’s ready to talk. Just a quick text telling him that you’re checking in to make sure he is okay and that you’re ready to talk when he is covers many bases. By sending a text, you give him the option of answering when he’s ready. And your message isn’t making demands or being confrontational in any way. Instead, you are offering your support and your willingness to meet him halfway. There isn’t much to make him angry when you take that approach.

Controlling What You Can: When he does reach out, you’ll be in a position to take advantage of it and start with positivity rather than negativity. In the meantime, you can work on the issues over which you have control – which are issues that have to do with yourself. Where can you make changes personally to make this better? How can you adjust your thinking, perspective, and approach, to improve the situation so that you and your husband have plenty to talk about? How can you shift your expectations and approach so that you’re okay with gradual progress, since that’s perhaps what your husband is signaling?

Although it may not seem like it initially, there is plenty that you can do on your own while you are waiting for him to get over his isolation and hesitancy.  I eventually realized that I had to do much of the heavy lifting on my own before my husband was ready to work with me.  And it really did make all of the difference.  As I alluded to, we did reconcile and are still married.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin