Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are very confused about their husband’s conflicting claims. On the one hand, their husband is acting like and saying that he still loves them. But on the other hand, he is often asking for a separation or divorce, which seems to be a huge contradiction to the confused wife.

I heard from a wife who said: “for the past five months, my husband has been griping about how unhappy he is and how bad our marriage is. I did take this seriously. I tried very hard to be more upbeat and to bring the spice back into our marriage. But apparently it hasn’t helped because last night, he told me that he thought we should separate or divorce. I was floored by this. I knew that our marriage was struggling, but I never thought he would want to end it. And the most ironic thing of all of this is that I know that he loves me. It is obvious when he looks at me. It is clear in the way that he acts. I know for a fact that if we both worked very hard, we could save our marriage. But when I told him this, he agreed that he still loved me and he stressed that he always would. But he said that he didn’t want to try to save our marriage because that would just waste our time and hurt us more. I don’t understand. If he loves me, why wouldn’t he want to try to save our marriage?”

Obviously I didn’t know this husband and I couldn’t read his mind. He would be the best person to answer this question. But I also know first hand that most husbands will resist or refuse to answer questions like this. Perhaps they think that they don’t want to hurt you or give you ammunition in your campaign to save your marriage. But it’s more likely that they don’t really have a definitive answer themselves. So in the following article, I will discuss some possible reasons that he is resistant to saving your marriage.

He May Feel Like It’s Just Not Possible: Some people tend to believe that love isn’t always enough to keep a marriage going. Women are more likely to believe that love should be more than enough, while men tend to think of more practical requirements. And, he may already know that you have been consciously trying to make things better for a while and yet he still doesn’t feel that you have made enough progress. Often, what he doesn’t realize is that if he would help you, even just a little, your progress would multiply a great deal.

So how do you get around this? Most people will be tempted to ask for more time. But it’s my experience and opinion that a husband will likely have his doubts about agreeing to additional time that he feels isn’t going to matter anyway. The better way is to show him with your actions rather than to make promises with your words. You have to show him real and substantial change that is going to make him think that maybe he was hasty in making such long lasting assumptions.

He May Believe That Your Marriage Is Holding Him Back In Some Way: Another common reason that a man who loves his wife will resist trying to save his marriage is because he perceives that the same marriage is not in his best interest. Men have various reasons for this. Some feel like being married is keeping them from being who they are truly meant to be. Some believe that they can’t truly be happy if they continue to remain married. And still more believe that the relationship is never going to reach a point where it allows both of you to be happy, fulfilled, or your best selves.

I am not saying that he is right in these assumptions. I am just making you aware of what his thought process might be and what you might be up against. The way around this one is to make sure that he knows that you truly want for him to be happy. He needs to understand that you’re not interested in only saving your marriage for the sake of it. You are interested in saving your marriage because you believe that you can restore it to a place where you can both thrive.

So when you discuss this with him, make sure that your focus is on how you can help him to get what he wants rather than how you are interested in changing his mind to get what you want.

Know That Emotions Are High And What He Believes Today May Change Tomorrow: It’s very important that you don’t panic and believe that your marriage is over. Yes, he is resistant to saving your marriage. But if you show him that he may have been to hasty in making this decision, he may well change his mind. One of the reasons that it’s so important that you don’t panic is that this tends to make your actions take on a desperate and insincere tone.

And when this happens, your husband’s doubt about saving your marriage are actually raised, which is the exact opposite of what you want. But if you calmly try to show him that this process really isn’t as difficult or impossible as he thought, then his doubts begin to slowly be chipped away until he may begin to agree with you that love can be enough when it’s coupled with decisive action.

That’s why it’s vital that you do everything that you have claimed or promised. Because you need for him to know that real change is possible and that it’s worth it to have hope for your marriage.

Also, know that the fact that he’s aware that he still loves you is vital.  I believe that my own husband has started to doubt his love for me.  And I had a hard time saving my marriage at first.  I finally came to understand some basic truths that helped me use psychology to turn things around.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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