Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many times, when a husband says that he is trying to “come to a decision” about his marriage, these are not happy words to his wife. Many times, the wife will do everything in her power to make sure that the husband’s decision is that he is going to remain committed and do whatever is necessary to save his marriage.

But what happens if, just as the wife is formulating her plan, the husband tells her that he wants to leave the home or move out? Why would he say this? And does it mean anything?

A wife might explain it this way: “my husband has been pretty upfront about his happiness. Or maybe I should say lack of happiness. It is not like he came home and out of the blue told me he didn’t want to be married. I knew that he was struggling with our marriage. And I suspected that he thought he might be happier if we ended things. Our problems stem from money. We were actually pretty happy before my husband lost his job about the same time he caught me having a secret credit card where I racked up some debt. My husband was so angry with me that he told me very plainly that he was going to be thinking long and hard about whether he wanted to stay married to me or whether he wanted to move on. A few weeks after this, he ran into an old girlfriend. I believe that this was the tipping point. Here is a man who was already unhappy so now the old girlfriend represents simple times of less stress. I know he is not cheating. He is not that type of person and I’ve checked his phone and there’s nothing incriminating there. I worried that he was romanticizing what life would be like with her while lamenting what life is like for me. Come to find out, I wasn’t out of line with this because last night, my husband said that although he hasn’t yet come to a decision about our marriage, he thinks that he needs to move out in order to have a clear mind. I don’t understand this. It’s not like I bug him or anything. I give him his privacy. I am worried that he wants to move out to pursue the other woman. Because why else would a man need to move out in order to come to a decision about his marriage?”

Reasons Why He May Want To Move Out: I can only speculate. But this situation isn’t all that unusual. Many people do move out for a while when they are trying to decide what to do about their marriage. I can’t speak about this firsthand. Because I was the spouse who desperately wanted to save her marriage, while her husband moved out.

But, I do dialog with a lot of the folks who move out. Many of them feel that they can’t make a sound decision when they have to see their spouse’s reactions to everything that they say or do. They don’t feel that they can really be objective when they have to interact with their spouse every day. They have concerns that their spouse will do things to sway their decision. And ultimately, they would like to come to a decision on their own. They often don’t feel that they can have the objectivity when they are living with you.  So, they think that the best thing is to have some time to themselves for a while.

Now, does this mean that their intentions are always pure? Does this mean that the husband would stay away from the old girlfriend? Not necessarily but there is no way to know this. All you can do is speculate and then try some thing that might change his mind.

What You May Want To Try: I’m sure you’ve already tried to talk him out of this. If not, you might try telling him that you will give him his privacy without him needing to move. Or, if you haven’t already, you can try to offer to be the one to leave yourself. This gives you much more control. If he moves out, then you can’t control when or if he comes back. That’s not true if you are the one to move out.

Of course, no one wants to willingly leave their own home, but it’s better than the alternative of watching your spouse leave and not knowing what is going to happen. Being the one to move out also allows you to keep a closer eye on what is happening.

However, you have to use caution here. You don’t want to get into a situation where he feels he has to move out just to escape debating with you. It’s my opinion that the best thing that you can do is to try to act as upbeat and cooperative as you can while still trying to find a compromise and watching his situation closing. Barring this, then you want to set it up so that you have regular contact with your husband.

And, not every husband who wants to move out does so because he’s planning to cheat or to get a divorce. And even people who plan this sometimes change their minds. It could be that he legitimately believes he needs to the distance to make an objective and sound decision.  And that decision may be just fine in the end.

Honestly, I would have done nearly anything to keep my husband from moving out.  But he did move out, so my strategy had to change.  I eventually found something that worked.  But I would have preferred to avoid him moving out in the first place.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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