Why Would My Husband Dare Me To Divorce Him?
I believe that many wives have this fantasy that any time they mention the “d-word,” their husbands will fall over themselves and argue to stay together. Unfortunately, this is not a reality for many of us. Some wives have husbands who are indifferent and who will tell you that if you want to pursue a divorce, go for it. Occasionally, I’ll hear from someone whose husband has “dared” her to divorce him.
She might explain, “my husband and I have been on shaky ground lately, and we had a stupid fight. I don’t even remember what it was about. But in the heat of the moment, I blurted out, ‘We are so different. We should just divorce.’ I’d uttered similar phrases before, and my husband’s response would be to tell me not to talk nonsense or to dismiss me in some other way. But during that fight, he responded with, “I dare you to divorce me.” I was stunned and I could think of no response to this. I just stormed out of the room. I’ve talked to some of our mutual friends about this. But none of us can figure out why he’d make a dare like this. Why would a husband dare you to divorce him? Is he egging me on and trying to inspire me to pursue a divorce?”
Fear As Motivator: There are many possible reasons for him to dare you in this way. And which one is correct will truly depend upon your husband’s personality and the circumstances surrounding his proclamation. In general, however, aggressive, nasty phrases that sound like veiled threats (such as this one) are often based on fear. He’s hoping to scare you out of doing what he doesn’t want you to do (which in this case might be pursuing a divorce.) However, since you were in the middle of a heated argument, saying something like “I don’t want a divorce, please don’t divorce me,” is not something that many men would say.
Anger: Another possibility is that your husband was quite angry, as you were in the middle of a heated conversation. He might have perceived that you were attempting to hurt or punish him with the threat of divorce, so his dare back at you was his attempt to answer your tone with what he perceived to be a similar one.
A Reminder Of How Good You Have It: Sometimes, people make statements like this when they think you are overreacting or they believe that your behavior is overblown. He may be trying to get you to see that you would be much more unhappy divorced than you are married, even with your struggles. In other words, he is trying to imply that the grass will not be not greener when you are divorced.
A Glimpse Into The Future: Another possibility (although I think that this is a less likely one,) is that he wants to know that, should you pursue a divorce, he’s going to fight you every step of the way, or at least not make things easy for you. Whether he wants to discourage you from a divorce or is just lashing out is very difficult to say.
How To React To His “Dare:” I think that you were right to leave before you responded with words that you may later regret. However, moving forward, you will want to ask yourself WHY you had such a strong reaction to this dare. And why did you mention divorce in the first place? Were you just angry and trying to shock him to pay attention? Do you legitimately want a divorce? Or were you hoping that he would try to talk you out of one?
Healing Wounds And Digging Deep: Since you are confused and upset by his response, I will assume that you actually do not want a divorce. If this is the case, you will need to come up with a response that makes things better instead of worse. You might try something like, “I want to clarify that I didn’t mean what I said the other day. I do not want a divorce. I said that out of panic and anger. I hope that your dare was also made out of panic and frustration. We both let our temper get the best of us, but I should not have brought up ending our marriage. Instead of making threats that we don’t mean, can we sit down and try to figure out what is behind our frustration? Perhaps then we could start healing and stop hurting one another. I love you and I want you to be a source of happiness for you, not a source of pain. Will you work with me?”
His response will tell you an awful lot about his “dare.” If he accepts your apology and concedes that he too, spoke without thinking, then the best way forward is to dwell on fixing what is broken, not on what was said in the past. However, if he is slow to accept your apology or to offer his own, you may have a little more work to do. But that doesn’t mean that you will necessarily end up divorced. I learned the hard way that there is plenty that you can do to save your marriage when you feel like you are the only one who cares enough to try. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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