Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s normal for separated spouses to watch each other very closely for signs of loneliness during the martial or trial separation. We aren’t always sure if the loneliness is good or bad – but at least we know that it could mean that our spouse isn’t having the time of their lives without us.

Another thing that can be confusing is why the separated spouse may choose to welcome or dwell in the loneliness when they don’t necessarily have to. Sometimes, the other spouse would be more than happy to keep the lonely spouse company or to offer companionship. But the lonely spouse chooses to remain alone. Here’s an example: A wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for around six weeks. This was his choice. I know that we have problems, but I honestly think that we could have handled this at home without needing to make a huge, big deal of it. My husband disagreed and demanded to move out and leave home. I have always thought that this was wasteful, unnecessary, and a mistake. And honestly, I thought that my husband agreed about it being a mistake because right away, it seemed pretty obvious that he wasn’t happy. My sister lives in the same apartment complex as him and every time she sees him, she says he looks as if he is going to cry. He even admitted to her that the separation hasn’t been the relief that he thought that it was going to be. A couple of days after this, I called my husband and I was not surprised to hear that he sounded a little down. So I asked him what was wrong and he freely admitted that he was ‘feeling a little lonely.’ I immediately saw this as an opportunity and seized on it and asked him out to lunch. He feigned being busy. I told him to give me a call if he changed his mind. I frankly anticipated that I would hear from him, but I never did. I don’t understand this at all. We aren’t on bad terms. We had issues with our marriage so we (or he) decided to take a break, but we have always been cordial and friendly. I would have been extremely supportive of my husband if we had met for lunch and I’m pretty sure that he knows this. In fact, this thought propelled me to send him a text offering to meet him for coffee. I didn’t mention the loneliness. I just asked if he wanted to meet. He turned me down again by saying that he is busy. I don’t get it. He’s whined about being lonely, but he has a perfectly willing wife who could relieve this. Why won’t he take me up on my offer? Does he just not want to connect with me at all? Does he just prefer to be lonely?”

Your husband is the person who could best answer these questions. But I can certainly give you some theories, having gone through this myself and dialoguing with a lot of folks going through this. I can tell you that some men in this situation are tempted (and perhaps would like) to get together with their separated spouse. They know that this might help to ease the loneliness and to make them feel better. But they worry about what the implications might be of this. They worry that both of you might be confused by the gesture. They worry that they might be rushing things. They may feel that they should just allow the loneliness to take its course or to see where it might lead.

Some of them feel too proud to allow you to help them feel better. After all, they were the ones who insisted on pursuing the separation when you told them that it was a mistake. So, admitting the loneliness might seem bad enough. But what might be even worse than admitting loneliness is presenting themselves with their tail between their legs and coming to you for comfort. Their pride might not allow this right now. But that doesn’t mean that this perception won’t change in time.

While I know that it is probably tempting to keep trying to push him, I think that particular strategy might be a mistake. He’s obviously resisting for whatever reason, so pushing might cause him to be even more stubborn. I think that it’s best to make it clear that you are there if he changes his mind, but then to drop it. When there isn’t so much attention on it, he may eventually get a little more comfortable approaching you. Plus, he may be intentionally giving it a bit more time to see if his feelings are going to change. When they don’t, you’ve given him no reason at all not to feel comfortable reaching out to you. Because you didn’t push. You weren’t condescending. You didn’t remind him that you told him that the separation was a mistake. You were nothing but supportive and were motivated by your concern for him. When you take this stance, he has nothing to hold against you and no reason for resentment. Sure, he may be taking his time coming around. But eventually, he may realize his mistake and also come to understand that you are not going to constantly remind him of his miscalculation, but instead do your best to help him.

I know that it’s hard not to push and rush when you suspect that you see an opportunity.  But I know from experience that pushing will often just make a husband back away even more.  Pushing was one of the worst things that I did during my own separation and it almost meant a divorce. There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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