Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Wives who are in the unfortunate situation of having a husband leave during a midlife crisis can become extremely observant – always searching for clues as to what their husband might be thinking or what the future might bring.  Most of us can certainly understand this detective-like behavior.  After all, the constant searching and analyzing is an attempt to gain control at a time when it feels as though you have no real control.  In a sense, you are at the mercy of your husband’s whims.  It can feel as if he is rejecting his old life while you are desperately trying to hold onto it.

It’s no wonder that you’re always looking for clues that might give you some hope that things might one day be OK.  This is completely normal and understandable. And no one can blame you for it.  I certainly did the same and know countless other women who have also.  One example of this is questioning what it means if your husband leaves behind cherished personal items or clothing.  Does this mean that his leaving is only temporary?  Does this mean that he is going to snap out of his midlife crisis?

Someone might ask: “my husband left our home about two weeks ago.  I had been bracing myself for this because I knew that it was coming.  My husband started having a midlife crisis about eight months ago.  Out of the blue, he started acting weird and different.  Nothing that I could do would make him happy.  He was restless, always questionning everything, and he even considered quitting his job, and leaving the country to travel the globe.  To my knowledge, he is still considering this.  His sister said he’s been researching destinations, although he has not given notice at his job.  I know that this is going to sound pathetic, but I take solace in the fact that my husband has never bothered to collect his personal belongings.  I mean his clothing, of course.  But also things that he inherited from male family members that are very precious to him.  A couple of years back, he tried to write a novel.  That manuscript is still in this house.  I just have to think that if he planned to eventually divorce me and to never come back, he would have taken these things with him.  But when I discuss this with his sister, she tells me that I am overthinking it.  She says that he’s bought a whole new wardrobe anyway and that maybe he intends to come back for his personal items later or maybe they just aren’t that important to him.  Is she right?   Can it be a good sign when a midlife-crisis-husband leaves clothing and other personal items?”

I can’t really say if she’s right.  I can tell you that, at least for me, treasured family heirlooms are certainly not something that I myself would leave behind indefinitely.  There are quilts from family members that have passed away that I would probably take with me if I were going to be gone for any length of time. They are simply that important to me. Of course, everyone is different.  But I can’t imagine intending to leave these items for months or years.

That said, people sometimes are not thinking all that clearly when they are having a midlife crisis (as you have already seen.)  A man who is willing to leave his job and (even his country) behind may not blink an eye at the personal items.

However, it seems pretty clear that by leaving the items behind, the door is at least open to him one day coming back (and who knows for how long) to retrieve them or to stay.  There may not be any way to predict that at this time, unfortunately.  I know how frustrating this is.  I went through something similar with my husband.  And after waiting, trying to pressure him, trying to guilt him, and trying various tactics that got me nowhere, I decided that it was silly to just wait in such torment.  It eventually became obvious that my husband was not going to be swayed or rushed. Nor was he going to be persuaded to snap out of whatever he was going through and act in the way that I wanted him to.

So I figured I had a choice.  I could continue to live my life in limbo, just waiting for my husband to come to a decision.  I could continue to bug him and hurt my marriage even more.  Or I could just live my life as best as I could, with the knowledge that one day he would come to a decision.  I knew that I couldn’t control the decision either way, so  it was best for me to take care of myself and continue on as best as I could.  Make no mistake. I was still very much invested in my marriage.  I still wanted my husband to come to his senses.  But I couldn’t MAKE him do that.  So I controlled what I could – myself. This shift made life more bearable and I strongly feel that it was a big factor in my marriage ultimately being saved.  Once my husband saw that I respected myself enough to move forward anyway, his attitude and receptiveness toward me changed.

I guess that the point I’m trying to make is this:  It certainly isn’t a bad sign that your husband left his personal belongings.  It may be a good sign.  But since he’s not talking, you can’t know that yet.  You can’t control this.  What you can control is yourself.  It’s wonderful to have hope and to believe that eventually things will turn around (and I’m proof that they can.)  But there’s also no reason to put yourself on hold while you are waiting.  You can still hold out hope while living your life. I know first hand that this is a hard concept.  I came to this concept kicking and screaming at first.  But it changed everything.  You can read more on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin