Why Won’t My Spouse Talk About Our Problems?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are frustrated that their spouse is resistant to having an honest discussion about the issues that plague their marriage. Often, the motivated spouse intuitively understands that in order to work through their problems, they must first address them and then discuss them. But it can be very hard to do this when your spouse refuses to talk about any problems.
A common complaint that you might hear in this situation is something like: “my husband shuts down every time I bring up our problems. I feel as if our marriage has real and immediate issues. And if my husband isn’t really willing to listen to me and attempt to change what is wrong, I am not sure that I want to stay in this marriage. I can’t stand the thought that nothing is ever going to change. Our problems aren’t so huge that we couldn’t deal with them. But my husband isn’t even willing to talk. Every time I try to bring up our issues or attempt to talk things out, my husband will do anything in his power to stop the conversation. He will try to change the subject. He will very bluntly tell me that he’s not going to have this discussion. And if I keep talking, he will get up and walk away. I have told him that we will never be able to solve our problems if we don’t talk about them. But it doesn’t seem to matter to him. No matter what I do, he’s not going to have the discussion. Why does he act this way? And what can I do to get him to talk me about something other than the weather?”
There are many reasons that spouses (particularly husbands) will try to avoid talking about your problems. I will discuss some of those possibilities below.
Many Men Resist Talking About Their Feelings Or Their Flaws: Few people enjoy a confrontation or having a difficult discussion. But women are usually willing to do this if it means that things might actually improve. Men can be different in this regard. They are often quite uncomfortable talking about their feelings. And they will often resist having any conversation in which they feel you are pointing out their flaws are or trying to place most of the blame on them. I know that you might be thinking that this isn’t really fair and you’d be right about that. But understand that this isn’t specific to your own husband. It’s a very common problem. And it’s unfortunately just in the nature or psychological make up of many men. It’s often just very hard for him to open up about emotional issues or feelings. But, this doesn’t mean that you can’t try to work around this which I will discuss now.
Sometimes, If You Use The Right Words At The Right Time, You Can Coax Him Into Having This Discussion: I believe that you can often ease your spouse into having this conversation by being very careful about the words that you use and how you phrase things. You want to choose a time when things are going well. You don’t want to attempt to have this conversation when you are frustrated or having an argument because in these circumstances, your husband is more likely to resist.
Instead, choose a time when you are getting along well and maybe even joking around. And then keep your tone very light hearted. You might want to say something like: “I love it when we get along well like this. It changes my whole outlook toward other areas of my life and it gives me a great sense of peace. This is how it’s supposed to be in a healthy marriage. I wish it was this way all the time between us. Would you be willing to take a few minutes and brain storm ways that we can address and fix the issues that keep us from feeling this way all of the time? I’m not going to pick on you or place any blame. I don’t want this to be a conversation that’s based on conflict. But I believe that we can have a productive conversation about how to make our marriage better. Don’t you want to feel this way all of the time?”
At this point, your husband will either participate or resist. If he resists, don’t make a huge deal about it. Vow to repeat the process the next time things are going well. If he is willing to participate, make sure that you keep things very upbeat. Make it short also. You can’t expect to address every problem during one conversation and if you try to do this, your spouse may feel overwhelmed or discouraged. You want to take things one step at a time so that your spouse will cooperate.
If your spouse does actively participate, then make sure that you make this worth it for him. Give him lots of praise and reassurance in the form of physical affection. That way, he begins to associate discussing your problems with positive things happening as the result. This type of positive reinforcement will often make sure that he’s willing to repeat the process because he likes the pay off.
Granted, you may have to move slowly and repeat this process several times. But this is so much better than being frustrated and never having the conversation at all. I wish I had used this process in my own situation. Instead of moving slowly and having patience, I tried to tackle everything at once by taking a harsh stand. This didn’t work very well and my husband and I ended up separated. Luckily, I was able to save my marriage but the process would have been easier if I had handled the difficult discussions in the right way. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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