Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel that if their spouse would just give them one more chance, they could successfully save their marriage.  They have often begged, pleaded, made promises, and generally just tried to find a way back into their spouse’s heart with no success.  They often don’t understand what harm it would do to just allow that one last try before you concede that the marriage is over for good.

I heard from a wife who said: “I will admit that I have made a lot of mistakes in my marriage.  I have taken my husband for granted.  I haven’t always been the most responsible spouse.  I have been immature and selfish.  And although I never technically cheated, I have flirted with other people just to get attention.  However, when I saw that these things were hurting my marriage to the point where I might lose my husband, I immediately took notice and promised big changes.  At first, my husband agreed to this but warned me that I had hurt him badly and that he was losing his patience.  I acknowledged this.  But, a week later he told me that he had reconsidered and that he thinks it would just be easier and would make more sense if we would just end our marriage.  He said that he now has trust issues with me and that he doubts that I will really ever change who I am.  He says he pictures himself growing old in a marriage that doesn’t take as much work as ours and that he wants to start over before he becomes angry and bitter.  I begged him to give me one more chance.  I promised him that he wouldn’t regret it.  But no matter what I do or say now, he only looks at me sadly, shakes his head.  He calmly tells me that it is too late.  I have asked him why he is doing this to us and he only will say that it’s just too little too late.  I don’t understand.  How would it hurt him to give me one more chance?  If we fail, then at least we know we tried.  But if we just walk away now, we’ll never really know what might have been.  Why doesn’t he understand this?”

I know firsthand how frustrating this situation is. It is so hurtful to feel as if your marriage is slipping through your fingers and yet you are dependent on another non receptive person to stop this.  Plus, you often feel as if somehow your wires must be crossed because he doesn’t seem to be hearing what you are saying or he doesn’t believe you, even when you are being completely sincere.  Unfortunately, there are many reasons that he will resist giving you another chance. I will go over some of the reasons below because I think that you should be aware of them.  I realize that this may be hard to hear, but if you know what you’re facing, you have a better chance of successfully overcoming it.

Common Reasons That People Are Afraid To Give Their Spouse Another Chance: The first reason is fear. He may be scared to trust in you again because there is the risk that he will be hurt again, which would make his vulnerability a waste of time.  Additionally, he is probably telling the truth when he says that at this time, he believes that it’s too little too late.   He may feel as if your marriage has been damaged too much to recover.  (That doesn’t mean that his belief is true, but this might be what he thinks.)

Finally, he may just feel that he needs a change in his life.  He may have reached a point where he feels that he may have some relief from the drama and the uncertainty if he just starts again, regardless of how hard and painful this might be.

Again, I know that this may be a hard to process.  But nothing is impossible.  And if what you have tried in the past hasn’t worked, nothing says that you can’t start fresh with a new strategy, which leads me to my next point.

If Words Aren’t Working, Talk With Your Actions Instead:  There’s one thing that most husbands in this situation share, and that is skepticism when it comes to your words.  They have listened to your promises and they are still unconvinced.

And yet, you keep coming at him saying what he has already heard before. I understand why you are doing this.  It probably seems to you as if he just isn’t listening or, if he is, he isn’t understanding you.

So perhaps you have to rephrase it or say it again with more intensity.  This makes sense at the time, but it’s the wrong strategy in most instances. He’s usually already reached the point where he has tuned you out.

So you ratched up what you are saying, trying in vain to get him to understand.  And this is when he starts to think that perhaps your marriage really a lost cause.  I don’t say this to hurt you.  I’m saying this so you know what you are up against and that you see that it’s in your best interest to stop attempting to deliver the same message that he has already tuned out.

In my experience, when words no longer work, it’s time to try an action based strategy.  And when I say this, I don’t mean acting irrationally or pouring on the affection so that it’s obvious what you end goal is.  What I mean is to consciously stop what isn’t working, to calm down, to act with integrity, and to let your actions speak for you.

Sometimes, this means that you back off from your original stance so that he no longer feels the need to be defensive.  It can also mean that you need to show him with your actions and not your words that real change is possible.  In this particular case, it would mean showing the husband true respect rather than just trying to get him to agree with the wife’s wishes.  It would mean making him feel genuinely heard without an end goal in mind.  It would mean showing much more maturity by having patience and staying the course.

Because you can’t expect him to believe your new actions immediately.  But when they happen over a period of time, they become more genuine to him and this is the most effective way that I know to overcome his reservations.

Unfortunately, I know this from experience. I tried begging, bartering and promising, but nothing worked.  So I had to let my actions do the talking.  And this shift in thinking saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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