Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives who have been forced into a martial separation that they did not want make it their goal to  get a reconciliation as soon as possible.  And often the biggest question that you constantly have on your mind is: When?

You don’t want to be separated for one minute, for one hour, or for one day longer than you have to.  Because of this, it is normal to press your husband for a time-frame or a time-line.  You want to know when this is going to end.  You want to have a date to put on your calendar so that you can count down the days.  You tell yourself that if you only knew how long the separation was going to last, then you could handle it much better because you would at least know what to expect.

This is understandable and I think that the majority of wives feel this way. Unfortunately though, our husband doesn’t always play along.  He will sometimes resist being forced to give a time-line and will often tell you that he just doesn’t know how long the separation is going to last.  He will indicate to you that he just wants to see how it goes.

It could be explained this way: “when my husband moved out, he assured me that this should only be temporary.  He said that he felt that we needed some time apart in order to make our marriage fresh and new.  He said that the time away would renew our commitment to each other.  I guess I bought this because I wanted to.  I truly wanted to believe that this was going to be a short change.  But it has now been six weeks.  My husband hasn’t had any conversation with me about a reconciliation and  I am getting tired of waiting.  Last night, I asked him to share a time-line with me, but he resisted.  He said he can’t offer me any time-frame.  Because he just wants to see how things go and how we feel and he can’t guess about that.  I already know how I feel.  I am tired of being separated and I want to reconcile.   But he acts as if I am trying to force him to do something that he doesn’t want to do.  So I tried another tactic.  I asked him if he could guarantee me that the separation wouldn’t last for any longer than three more months.  He said that he hoped that it wouldn’t, but he could not make that type of guarantee.  I honestly don’t know how I will wait that long.  And I am suspicious about why he will not commit to a time-frame.  It makes me think that maybe he doesn’t plan to reconcile at all or that he is seeing someone else.  He says that neither of these things are true and that he does not like being pressured.   I do not know what to do at this point.  But just waiting is making me crazy.  I feel like it is too open ended.  Why will he not give me a time-frame for a reconciliation?”

Your question and frustration are both very common.  And there are a few potential reasons for your husband’s reluctance which I will discuss a little more below.  I can tell you that many men don’t want to feel pressured during their separation.  They want to take this time to evaluate and they feel that they can not do that when they are given an artificial deadline.   Many will tell you that the whole idea of the separation in the first place was to take this time for themselves.  So, they don’t want to feel as if this time is rushed or has a stop watch on the end of it.

Now, from your point of view, this has not been rushed because it has been weeks.  And it’s not fair to make you wait without any deadline. You have every right to want to have something to look forward to and to feel as if you are making progress.

A Compromise: It would seem that you have opposing viewpoints, but I do believe that you can compromise so that he doesn’t feel pressured and you don’t feel taken advantage of.  I think that one way to do this would be to openly discuss your progress at a certain time each week.  From my own experience, I firmly believe that you need a plan.  Because if you just leave things open ended, your separation could go on and on without any real change.

It’s important to keep setting goals and meeting these goals so that there is trackable progress.  Counseling is wonderful for this because you know that you have to be somewhere at a set time and that you will work on what is dividing you.  I know that not every one is going to be excited about counseling and if you can’t get him on board, at least find some self help so that you can have a plan in your own mind that you can work toward.

You have to be careful about applying pressure when you feel resistance.  But you do want to try to move forward as things progress and as you are able.

A Change Of Mindset: Finally, I think a change in mind set is every bit as important as having a plan. I think it really helps to stop focusing on TIME and to start focusing on PROGRESS.  If you can place your attention toward progress and can resolve those things that are making your husband reluctant to tell you when he’s coming home, then the time-frame will take care of itself.

And sometimes, when we place our focus solely on time, we take our focus away from actually addressing and solving the issues.  You are prioritizing the end product at the expense of what is truly important.   Your husband is likely waiting to see that progress before he makes a decision about time.  So right now, your focus should be on progress at first.

I know that you really want a firm time-frame for your reconciliation.  I wanted that too.  But the more I pushed, the more my husband resisted.  And the further apart we became.  I am suggesting that you at least consider if it makes sense to change your focus because that is what made all the difference in my case and actually got me the eventual reconciliation that I wanted.  The rest of it is at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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