Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common for me to be asked what is the best, most effective, and easiest way to fight for your marriage while you’re separated. How can you fight in a way that might actually save your marriage and make your life better rather than worse?

I honestly believe that most people expect me to offer them various strong responses such as:

• they need to get tough with their husband;
• or they need to force him into seeing their worth;
• or they need to make him jealous so he will miss them and realize that he’s been wrong all along. 

Would you be surprised that I don’t suggest any of these? And the reasons for this are very simple. I’ll outline them below

Any Strategy That Seems Manipulative Is Likely To Fail: During my own separation, it became very clear to me that trying to “make” or “get” my own husband to do anything was just about the very worst thing that I could do.  

My efforts ranged from desperate to reaching to fake. It is usually not my personality to play games, but boy did I try to play them then. 

My husband isn’t stupid, and yours likely isn’t either. He knew full well what I was doing. And so he was going to do everything in his power to show me that he wasn’t going to be manipulated by me or anyone else.  

Honestly, it brought out the worst in both of us. And it made my goal of saving my marriage seem that much more hopeless.

Don’t Offer Him Uphill Battles: If you understand nothing else from this article, please understand this. Much of the time, husbands who separate do so because the whole process of fixing your marriage just seems overwhelming. For whatever reason, he has come to believe that there are too many problems, and they seem too difficult to solve.  

Therefore, how do you think he’s going to respond to any strategy where you have to buckle down and “fight” for your marriage? Likely not very well. He’s going to think that this is only more of the same.

He doesn’t want to fight.

He doesn’t want a huge amount of intensity in his life.

That’s why he’s bowing out – at least temporarily. So what does this tell us?

Creating An Ease Between You Is Better Than Fighting Any Day Of The Week: It seems counterintuitive to slow your roll. Especially when you already feel that you are running out of time. The instinct is to get the job done immediately. The inclination is to make progress right away. But sometimes, you gain more ground when you aren’t actively trying. 

Lower your expectations, especially in the beginning.

Instead of wanting to be back together by the end of the week or the month, tell yourself that you’d like just one positive encounter in the next couple of days. Honestly, if you back up just a bit and lessen some of the tension, I guarantee that you have a much higher chance of this happening.

Figure out a way to genuinely talk to him about something benign but pleasant. Repeat this process as his receptiveness will allow.

Most often, this will disarm your husband. He’ll be intrigued as to why you’re acting so differently, and he will be more receptive to you. This receptiveness is what is going to allow you to make progress later.

“Fighting” For Your Marriage Usually Means A Firm Departure From What You Tried Before:  I would never tell anyone not to do counseling, soul searching, deep communication, and the like. Those things can be invaluable – when your marriage and your husband are ready for them. But if you and your spouse were churning the same old problems and were getting nowhere, take a break from that process. Stop repeating the same things that got you nowhere. 

This may sound silly, but you are often better off taking a walk with the dog and just talking about light-hearted current events rather than grilling him about where he is on your marriage or separation.

You are better off asking him his opinion about the latest book he’s read and really listening instead of asking his opinion about what went wrong with your marriage.

There will be time for this when both people are READY and WILLING to get down the work of saving the marriage. But when you are separated, that time hasn’t yet some. You need to create a willingness between both people before that happens, which brings me to my next point.

Wait Until He’s Fully Willing Before You Begin To “Fight” For Or Rebuild Anything:  I know that I’m asking you to have patience and that you want to spring into action now.

But I also know firsthand from my own mistakes during my own separation that you will save yourself a lot of heartache and time if you wait until it’s very obvious that your husband is willing to work with you on your marriage.  

If he’s at all reluctant, you’re wasting your time to try to force him. You are better off continuing to try to build goodwill between you until he is willing and not shy about letting you know it.

I know that this isn’t as easy as it sounds. I know there will be times when you will disagree with your husband. Or times when you wonder what he’s doing with his free time and emotional space. There will be times when you’ll feel insecure and worried and fretful. It’s a challenge to remain upbeat and receptive during these times, but you have to consider the end game and keep your eye on the prize. 

By creating goodwill and an easy rapport, you’re completing step one. When your husband sees that the two of you can get along and actually enjoy one another’s company again, then he’ll begin to believe that maybe your problems are not insurmountable after all. 

And THIS is when you can really make meaningful progress that might save your marriage. 

I understand that it feels wrong to hang back and to just try to make things more cohesive and pleasant. You feel like you’re delaying your progress. But what you’re actually doing is creating a foundation. And little by little, you’re going to move forward as you are able.

You’re going to go from pleasant conversations to looking forward to seeing one another to eventually having the breakthroughs that are going to allow you to save your marriage.

And even better, it won’t feel difficult. It will feel easier and effortless. And that is by design.

I know it sounds a bit odd. But changing my thinking in this way truly did allow me to approach saving my marriage in a way that actually worked when we were very close to divorce. You can read the rest of the story at  https://isavedmymarriage.com

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