Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Because I write articles about saving your marriage or reconciling after separation, I’m fascinated by any information that offers insight on why some couples manage to stay together despite daunting odds while others fold at the first sign of hardship. Do these couples have some trait that everyone else should learn? Is there some secret that they might share? A recent article suggests that the answer to these questions might be yes.

I recently stumbled across an article in “the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science” which reviewed over 170 relevant studies that included over 44,000 individuals. It concluded that relationship satisfaction and longevity mostly boils down to one thing – psychological flexibility. I consider this to be very good news. Because you can cultivate this trait starting right now. And this confirms much of what I’ve been suggesting for quite some time. I’ll tell you exactly what this is and how you can incorporate it into your marriage or reconciliation below.

What Are The Traits Of Someone With Psychological Flexibility?: Many of us have heard older relatives speak of living through wars, the Great Depression, plagues, and the like. I’ve always found it inspiring how many of them speak of these things matter-of-factly and without the heavy trauma that I would probably attribute to the same events. That’s not an accident. People who have lived through hardship often learn psychological flexibility to survive and even thrive during difficult times.

They can roll with the repetitive punches of life because they have to. More interestingly, they learn not to see experiences as all good or all bad, but as more neutral. They learn that rumination only makes things worse. And they look at problems in the long rather than short term. They know that there must be better days ahead. And they make do when things become difficult.

They also turn to their deep core values when faced with adversity. Even during bitter fights with their spouse, they still offer dignity and respect. When they face daunting setbacks, they always remember their end goal and continue to take steps to achieve it, no matter how small.

How Psychological Resilience Helps Your Marriage (And Other Important Relationships:) If someone who has strong psychological flexibility has issues in their marriage, they won’t vilify their partner, assume their marriage is a lost cause, or dwell on the severity or frustrating nature of their problems. Instead, they will approach the issues with a spirit of compassion and patience. They’ll give their spouse the benefit of the doubt and try to put themselves in his shoes. They listen. They’re willing to give more than they expect to get. They look for solutions instead of problems.

It’s no wonder that psychologically resilient individuals make better parents and have more satisfying relationships with friends, family, and coworkers. These people look for the good in others and strive to see the best in those they love.

How To Develop Psychological Resilience: If all of this sounds great, the biggest potential drawback is that many people will feel that this is not an attribute that they naturally have and can’t easily cultivate. Many of us know people like this and wish that we could be more like them. However, if we’re being honest with ourselves, we worry that we will never fall into this category.

This type of defeatist thinking often has you failing before you even try. And you can’t just leave this to chance. When you’re facing a separation or marital difficulty, one of the most common mistakes that I see is panicking and expecting the worst. This is understandable, since the end of a marriage is many people’s worst-case scenario. But this type of panic leads you to negative behaviors that may hurt your marriage even more.

And what feeds the panic? Fear and rumination that move in circles because of your repetitive and destructive thoughts. If you want to increase the chances of improving or saving your marriage, you must learn to stop ruminating and to slow down your negative thinking.

How you do this is going to depend on what type of personality and preferences you have. I learned to depend on avoidance through busyness and to replace many bad habits with good ones. I learned to exercise or enjoy new hobbies rather than ruminating on when the separation would end. I began to volunteer to give myself less time to dwell on my troubles and more time to help others.

I can’t tell you that I would not have been devastated if my marriage had ended. I would have. But I learned not to cling so tightly during my own separation. I learned to focus on what was still right in my life instead of solely focusing on the one thing that was still wrong.

I tried to sit with disappointments (or journaling about them) rather than taking action because of them. I embraced trying to approach issues with humor, compassion, and patience rather than complaint and frustration.

I tried to assume the best of my husband and to hope that things were going to turn out the way that they were meant to. I told myself that although we’d had recent and serious problems, I’d invested years of goodwill, effort, and love into the relationship. I hoped that this would count for something, and told myself that I’d do everything in my power to contribute to a reconciliation. But I also realized that I was only one person in this equation. I would do all that I possibly could, but then I had to leave it and continue to live my life in the healthiest way that I could.

I finally finished things that were hard, awkward, or just uncomfortable if I knew deep down that it was something that I needed to do for my own growth and health. I can’t claim to be the most emotionally resilient person in the world. I have still have a lot of work to do. But I know that I’m much better than I used to be. Living without my husband and my marriage for a while taught me that I can’t always have everything that I want when I want it. But I can also get through the worst of it by depending on myself, having patience, removing obstacles, and hoping for the best. But also knowing that if it comes to it, I’ll get through the worst.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to.  We reconciled.  But I like to think that I learned so much during the process that I would have continued to grow no matter what the outcome was.  You can read more at https:isavedmymarriage.com

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