Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, it becomes obvious that saving your marriage is going to be a solo job. This often happens when your spouse is not interested or invested in making any changes to your marriage. Occasionally, this is because your spouse may believe that the marriage is over and that nothing can be done to save it. Other times, it may mean that although you both know that your marriage is struggling and could use some huge improvements, your spouse is not willing to go through the effort to change things. Right now, he’d rather just keep things the way that they are – no matter how bad. And this can leave you in the frustrating position of having to bear the load of the work all on your own. It’s natural to ask yourself why you should go through the effort if he’s not willing to do the same.

A wife might say: “I am not going to mince words here. My marriage is absolutely awful. My husband and I never talk anymore. He doesn’t seem to care about what happens in our marriage. Being with him just isn’t pleasurable anymore. We used to travel and enjoy ourselves. Now, I’d almost prefer to travel alone than with him. Because I know that it is just going to be tense – with no enjoyment involved. The other day, one of our adult children was over and she could not help but notice how things had deteriorated between us. She is a newlywed so the state of our marriage appalls and saddens her. She very directly told us that we needed to work on our marriage. I agreed immediately. I am more than willing to commit to this. After she left my husband said: ‘you can do what you want, but I’m not doing any work on anything. We’re too old and set in our ways to make any changes.’ This angers me. And it almost makes me want to do nothing also. Because I don’t think it’s fair for me to do everything while he sits there and does nothing. Why should I work on our marriage when he refuses?”

I understand your reluctance. In the early stages of saving my marriage, I was completely on my own. My husband had no interest because the marriage truly was over in his mind. And there was some resentment on my part because I felt very lonely and discouraged – like I was the only one who cared. However, I went ahead anyway and I’m glad that I did because I now have a different, and far better, marriage that makes me much happier.  And allows me to not feel so much anxiety and worry. Below, I’ll tell you why I think that you should plow forward anyway, even though we both know it’s not exactly fair.

Anything That Will Improve Your Life And Well Being Is Worth Doing – Even If You Have To Do It Alone: From my own experience, I truly believe that you can make real and significant changes to your marriage by yourself. Sure, it’s optimal to have your spouse’s cooperation. But I don’t think that it’s completely necessary.  You can still see some changes that you initiate. And yes, it stinks that you have to do this alone. But think about it this way. If your house were falling down around you, would you sit and just let it fall if no one would help you? Of course not, you’d fix it – alone if you had to – because your home is important to you. The same thinking should hold true here.

Sometimes, All It Takes Is One: Many people believe that there isn’t a lot that one person can do when it comes to your marriage. Well, I disagree. Often, when you change your mind set, you then change your behaviors without very much effort. And when you change your behaviors, your spouse can not help but react differently to you – even if he is making no effort at all. This alone can dramatically change the dynamic. And once he sees these changes that required nothing of him, he is much more likely to begin to put in a little effort – which leads me to my next point.

Usually, Once Your Spouse Sees You Having Success, He Will Follow Along: As I alluded to earlier, many times, you can bring about important change yourself. When your spouse sees this and when they realize that the process wasn’t so hard after all, they will often begin to make an effort. They don’t always make a huge announcement about this. You may not hear him say something like: ‘ I was wrong, and if you will allow me to, I’m ready to work on our marriage now.’ You may never hear these words. But you might see him making an effort to be more receptive to you. He may change the way he speaks to and acts around you. He may stop doing the things that he knows adds tension to your marriage or causes conflict. Because you have been able to show him how much nicer and easier your marriage (and life) can be when just a little effort has been made.

So yes, while I agree having to start the process yourself isn’t fair, I’d still encourage you to do it. Because an improved marriage can also improve your life. So it doesn’t make sense to allow your resentment to keep you from setting this into motion. I understand feeling reluctant.  I experienced this too.  But I knew that if I could have a better marriage in the end, I was willing to do it.  I decided working hard and remaining married was better than doing nothing and being divorced.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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