Why Should I Stay With My Husband When Even He Says There’s No Spark?
A percentage of the people who reach out to me about their troubled marriage do so because they are worried about the lack of feelings, romance, or “spark” in their marriages. Sometimes, they are the only one who feels this lack. Other times, their spouse has brought up the issue or has agreed that things have changed. Because of this, one or both of the spouses could be struggling with the decision of whether or not they should leave the marriage.
Someone might say, “I have gotten somewhat fed up with my marriage. My husband and I are like roommates and not even close roommates at that. We rarely touch. We maybe have sex once a month. We are nice to one another and we do not fight. But we do not passionately love, either. I tried to broach this topic with my husband in the hopes that he would try a little harder. Instead of disagreeing or arguing, he just nodded and replied, ‘yes, you’re right. The spark is gone, isn’t it?’ He offered no solution. He just sort of stated this as fact and changed the subject. I didn’t want to just let this drop so I asked him what he thought we should do about this. He kind of shrugged and said that perhaps we should just hang tight and wait for this to pass. He said we get along pretty well and have a nice life, so why rock the boat? Especially since we have children. I honestly did not how to respond to this. My husband’s passivity drives me crazy. Lately, I have started fantasizing about leaving, even though I know that this is crazy. But I’m not sure what is the point of staying when even my husband is agreeing that the spark just isn’t there. I think that we both deserve to be with someone with whom we have chemistry? Doesn’t everyone deserve this in their life?”
I would agree that having chemistry is nice and that we all deserve a fulfilling relationship. I just disagree that you need to leave your marriage in order to get chemistry. I say this because of experience. My husband and I separated. One of the reasons for this is that he’d convinced himself that something was missing in our marriage. To be sure, he had a point. Things had deteriorated. But with a lot of effort, we got the chemistry back and I’m extremely grateful that we didn’t throw our marriage away. I have several friends who did exactly that and who later deeply regretted it. Some remarried and found that they’ve just traded one set of problems for another. No marriage is perfect. But if you are your spouse are compatible and care for each other, that is the foundation with which you can work.
In truth, I believe that it is unrealistic to think that any marriage is going to be filled with blood-searing passion every single day. All marriages have peaks and valleys. There are great times. And there are not-so-great times. I agree with your husband in that sometimes, you are rewarded when you can just hang in there and ride it out. Yes, you might have to switch your priorities, step outside of your comfort zone, and work hard on shaking up your marriage again. This is going to take time and effort. But what if it works? Wouldn’t it be great if you could have chemistry with the man to whom you made a lifelong commitment? Isn’t this preferable to rolling the dice with someone new when you could eventually lose the chemistry again and be right back where you started?
Admittedly, some couples will try to get the chemistry back and they will be unsuccessful. They may eventually need to separate or dissolve their marriage. But at least they tried. To me, it is always worth it to try to save your marriage if you can. I don’t mean to diminish the importance of chemistry or spark. But I believe that I am living proof that you can get it back. This is something that can be fixed. There are marital issues that are tougher to address like infidelity, addiction, etc. When a couple gets along and otherwise love and are committed to one another, then I see it as a no-brainer to try to fix this before you decide to walk away. I could see leaving if you were in a harmful situation where staying was detrimental, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. There is no fighting or animosity here, which gives you plenty to work with.
Incidentally, I see your husband’s acknowledgment that the spark is gone as a plus, and not as a minus. Why? Because at least he sees and is acknowledging that there is a problem. This isn’t always the case. Since you can both clearly see the issue and you otherwise get along, why not work together to see if you can fix it? I won’t lie. There’s not a quick fix. You will have to spend loads of time together. You’ll have to step outside of your comfort zone and perhaps feel a little vulnerable. But sometimes, if you make the effort and you take the time, you will find the spark has come back in spades. And like I did, you might also learn that there is comfort in the compatible times of marriage where perhaps you aren’t swinging from chandeliers every day, but you are present, and you are content – right there beside your spouse. That’s just the reality of marriage. Some days it will feel great. And other days may be more of a challenge. But as long as you’re committed to making it as good as it can be and to seeking what will make you both happy, I think that this can be good enough. My husband and I most certainly restored our chemistry and I am grateful for that because getting the chemistry back meant a deeper intimacy, which is very important to both of us. (There’s more about that here: http://isavedmymarriage.com) But just as important is the commitment to dig in when the going gets tough. It’s a great thing that your husband has this attitude and is willing to “stick it out.” Now it’s just time to get to work and to make it better.
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