Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Often when you know that you are losing patience with your spouse and are becoming unhappy in your marriage, you suspect that the best thing to do is to be honest.  So, you share your unhappiness with them in the hopes that they will promise to change.  In a perfect world, they make good on their promises and you are able to move on.  But what happens if they don’t and you call them on this?  And then they are begging for a second chance or a do over?”

Someone might explain: “honestly, our problems all started when my husband lost his job over two years ago.  I know, you’re probably thinking that two years is a plenty of time to find a new job and to recover.  That’s what I would think too.  But losing that job really did something to my husband.  He found a new job.  But it’s at about a fourth of the salary he used to make.  And I know this makes my husband feel very badly about himself.  I understand that.  But what I don’t understand is the behavior that goes along with it.  He’s started smoking again and occasionally drinking.  I do not approve of either of these things – especially since I’m looking to start a family.  When this first started, I was very candid with my husband and I told him that I could easily deal with his job loss.  But I could not deal with his change in personality.  He told me that he would change.  He said that he was just coping with the stress as best as he could.  Well, I waited six months and I watched him very closely.  I would say that he took about two weeks off of going out with his new loser friends, but then he was right back at it.  I have lost all patience with this.  It’s as if he is determined to feel bad and then to act bad.  I told him that I think we should separate.  That’s when he begged me to give him a second chance.  In my mind, I already have given him a chance.  And he didn’t take it.  My mom is telling me I owe it to both of us to give him one more opportunity to be himself again.  But I feel like this would be him taking advantage of me.  I have given him time.  Why should I give him another chance if I’ve been nothing but patient already?”

I can’t make the decision for you.  I’m very much supportive of saving marriages and that’s always my hope.  But there are always exceptions, especially if something about the marriage is harmful to you and is never going to change.

That said, although it appears that the husband is having trouble changing, I don’t think it’s impossible for him to do so.  Losing a job is almost like losing your identity.  It can be very catastrophic.  And people can have a great deal of difficulty redefining themselves and moving on in a healthy way.  It is hard to see where you need to change objectively because it is hard to clearly see patterns and mistakes within yourself.  Many people struggle with this.  It is not unique to your husband.

And that would be the point I would make in giving him a second chance.  You may be asking him to do something which is very difficult to do on his own.  I could see turning your back if he had refused counseling, but he hasn’t.  I would suggest it might make sense to see if getting some objective help would make any difference.  Even if you don’t want or can’t afford mental health counseling, many cities offer free job search counseling and support.  And I am not talking about help finding another job exactly.  I’m talking about dealing emotionally with the loss of your identity. Because until he regains his sense of self worth, it is going to be difficult for him to change.  He has to think highly enough of himself to do this.

I suspect that he feels badly about himself and his new self destructive behaviors are the direct result of that.  So, it’s going to be hard for him to give up these behaviors until he regains some self confidence.  Also, it is much easier for people to give up habits and behaviors if they replace those with something else.  He may need help finding a suitable, but more appropriate, replacement.  A third party can help him with this.

Again, I am not telling you that you absolutely have to give another chance.  That is not my call to make and I do not know enough about the situation.  I am only suggesting that if he has been a good man and husband before he lost his job, then perhaps it makes sense to see if you can get him some help in returning to that person. I suspect he doesn’t like this new version of himself either.  But when you are caught in a self defeating cycle, it can be hard to escape it without some objective help.

Honestly, when my husband told me he wanted a separation, I was shocked.  My shock was partly due to the fact that I could not see my patterns and behaviors objectively.  I was too close to it.  Getting a third party opinion made all of the difference.  It opened my eyes to things that were right in front of me, but also were invisible to me.  And it definitely was one of the reasons I was able to save my marriage.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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