Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you never wanted your separation in the first place, you often hope that you and your spouse can be cordial, friendly, and open during your separation. But when your spouse is behaving in an opposite way – and seems downright angry about something- this often makes a bad situation even worse. It will often leave you wondering what you did wrong and how his anger is going to affect or impact your ability to eventually save your marriage or to reconcile.

I might hear from a wife who says: “it’s pretty obvious that my husband isn’t thrilled with me or with my marriage right now. In fact, things got so chilly between us that he has initiated a separation. When he was trying to explain why he wanted to separate to me, he never expressed anger. He was basically pretty straight forward about the fact that he felt that we had grown apart and that he didn’t feel as close to me anymore. He said that he hoped that the time apart would help us realize that we shouldn’t take our marriage for granted and that we should cooperate a little more. So I never really felt any anger during this entire process. But ever since my husband moved out, he’s been almost outright hostile. His comments toward me come off as cold, sarcastic, and borderline mean. He’s never acted this way toward me before. And I haven’t done anything to make him angry. So I just don’t get it. Part of me wants to ask him why he’s so angry but another part of me thinks that this will just make the problem worse. Why would a separated husband be mad after the separation when he is the one who wanted it?”

Any answer that I give you is only going to be speculation. And, I’m not a man who initiated a separation. I am a woman who was married to a man who did. However, I do hear from a lot of men in this situation. And I can tell you some common scenarios that I often hear about. Below, I’ll explain some reasons that you may be seeing some anger from a separated husband.

He May Believe That Your Life Is Easier Than His: Many men don’t anticipate the change in lifestyle during a separation. They hope that they feel a greater sense of freedom and relief, but they never actually think about the living arrangements and the finances. So it can be shocking to them when they have to live in a much smaller apartment, get by with much less money (since they are supporting two households,) and live on take out when someone used to lovingly cook for them. They often wrongly assume that your life has changed less than theirs, since they will often envision that you are comfortable in your own home still eating your home cooked meals. This can make them feel (and express) a little resentment.

He May Be Feeling Emotions That He Didn’t Expect: Often men who want a separation assume that things are going to feel better. More than anything else, they assume that they are finally going to get freedom and clarity. But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, he feels lonely and even more confused. In short, things aren’t working out in the way that he hoped. He may feel lost and he may be mad at himself for taking such drastic action and uprooting everyone’s life when it’s not even offering any real difference in his life.

People often assume that the only one who really struggles during a separation is the spouse who didn’t want it. But this isn’t always the case. Both people can struggle and feel confused and lonely. Both people can experience a sense of loss.

He May Have Been Angry Before The Separation: It’s not at all uncommon for people to want to take drastic actions like separating or quitting their jobs when they are struggling emotionally or are depressed. This can cause them to take actions that they wouldn’t otherwise take. And sometimes, we are understandably so focused on the separation and on the threat to our marriage, that we don’t notice that anger or this struggle until later.

So how do you handle this? In my opinion, the wife was right in her thinking that confronting her husband and demanding to know why he’s being so abrasive might actually make him more angry and may make the problem worse. That’s why I feel it’s a decent idea to just give it a bit of time and then to keep your attitude upbeat and positive in the hopes that he will follow your lead.

Of course, if his anger reaches a level where he’s very unkind or offensive, then you may just want to try to deflect it by saying something like: “your anger really hurts and surprises me because I can’t think of anything that I have done to deserve this. And treating each other this way isn’t helping our situation. Can you share with me why I’m on the receiving end of so much anger? Is there anything that I can do to help?”

Much of the time, if you approach someone’s negative attitude with an offer of help, this will deflate them and they will calm down and realize how unfair they have been. And you also set the stage for getting more information which might help you to help him.

My husband did exhibit a changing personality during our separation.  I worried that I didn’t know him anymore and that I was losing him.  But, as the separation settled in, things got less volatile.  And as I worked on myself, my husband noticed this and I started to see more of the caring man that I remembered. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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