Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There is an assumption that when a man seeks a separation, he will be blissfully happy with relief once he obtains that same separation. And this is certainly true of some men some of the time. It can sting to see what appears to be him living his best life when he isn’t living that life with you.

Sometimes, though, you’ll get the opposite behavior. The husband is not only very obviously unhappy, but he’s also downright angry. Wives often struggle to understand this disconnect. Why is he so mad when she’s given him what he wants and is trying to comply with what he has asked for?

She might say, “I’m confused and upset by my separated husband’s behavior. When he asked for the separation, he said that he felt like he needed this time apart to sort himself out and improve his life. He sold it to me by saying that hopefully, we would both come back together stronger and happier than ever. I tried to talk him out of this. I delayed. I debated with him. But no matter what I did or said, he would not back down. He seemed to become more and more unhappy and resentful the longer that our stalemate went on. So it was clear that I really did not have a choice. I honestly thought that once he was rid of me, even temporarily, he would let the good times roll. But every time I see or talk to him, he’s sulky, evasive, and angry. I’ve asked him if I’ve done anything to make him mad or to offend him, and he says I haven’t. I’ve wracked my brain to determine if there is anything I might have said or done, but honestly, there’s not. I’ve heard him raise his voice to friends. I’ve seen him cross his arms and sulk like a toddler to neighbors. I don’t understand this. The separation is what he wanted. Why isn’t he happy now? Why is he so angry?”

These are important, but often difficult, questions. That said, I definitely have some theories about this. I’ve seen many men exhibit anger upon separation. It is actually pretty common. Here are some common reasons why.

His Unhappiness Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With You Or Your Marriage: Women often feel responsible for loved ones. We are only as happy as our least happy family members. If our kids wake up on the wrong side of the bed, we sometimes either assume responsibility or try to fix it for them. The same can be true of our husbands. But very often, other people’s unhappy experiences have absolutely nothing to do with us. Therefore, we often cannot fix their issues. Only they can do that.

Likewise, your husband may be angry because of something about which you know nothing. It may not have anything whatsoever to do with you. If he’s telling you that you are not the source of his anger, give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him. He may clear this problem tomorrow on his own, which means that you’ve worried and taken this onto your shoulders for nothing. As my aunt used to say, there is no sense in borrowing trouble and worry. Of course, you want to continue to watch his behavior, but if the source has nothing to do with you, then just let him handle it.

The Separation Isn’t Playing Out In The Way That He Asked: Sometimes, men are angry during the separation because it isn’t going the way that they envisioned it. Perhaps they asked for some time completely alone before regular contact. Maybe he thought that he would be the one to call you, but you are calling him to say goodnight every single evening. Perhaps you are constantly asking questions that he finds invasive. Whatever the reason, sometimes a man perceives that you aren’t holding up your end of the bargain, but he feels resentful to have to spell that out for you. Even if he is denying that this is the case, ask yourself if this is a possibility. Or try a trial of backing away some to see if that improves things.

He Isn’t Experiencing The Relief That He Hoped For: Many men go into their separation hoping that the break or space (or whatever vernacular they use) will solve all of their issues. They believe that they’ll wake up in their own place full of relief and ready to make a fresh, new start. They don’t realize that all of their issues and troubles are going to follow them wherever they are.

Without working on or solving any issues, you’re going to deal with the same things and experience the same level of unhappiness no matter where you live.

And, of course, this realization can be a bitter disappointment. He may now realize that not only is he still unhappy, but he’s created a bigger issue now that he is separated. So yes, this realization can bring about disappointment and resentment.

He’s Openly Displaying His Unhappiness Due To Some Agenda: I am listing this option last because I believe that it is the least likely. But, I do have to mention that some men will posture as being unhappy during the separation simply because they don’t want their wife to know how they are really feeling.

Maybe he believes that if you knew that he was perfectly content, you would have hurt feelings, or will ask questions, or want an explanation, so he pretends that he isn’t happy to avoid this.

I’m not saying that it is true, but it does sometimes happen.

How To Best Handle His Discontent: First of all, ask yourself if this is truly your problem. If you didn’t cause it (and you need to be honest with yourself about this,) and he must be the one to fix it, then I’m not sure there is an effective option but to let him know that you support him and are there to help him in any way you can if he needs or wants your help.

Beyond that, you’re likely stepping into not respecting his need for space. I think it best to try to back away a little and to let him know you’re there. And then just trying to maintain positive and supportive communication while waiting for his unhappiness to abate as the situation improves.

If you can convince him to go to counseling or to work with you if any mutual issues are causing unhappiness, this can help (assuming that he is willing) but sometimes you just have to bide your time, which was the case in my own separation. I often made things worse with my own refusal to wait. Thankfully, I finally understood that I was only making things worse, and got down to the business of saving my marriage.  You can read about how I did that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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