Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people whose primary objective in life right now is to reconcile with their spouse. They are often going through a difficult separation or their spouse has left the home. And frequently, multiple approaches to facilitate a reconciliation have been tried. But, despite their best efforts, one of the spouses is still reluctant to get back together full time.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for almost four months. He is well aware of the fact that my greatest wish is to get back together. My children and I miss him terribly. Every day is a challenge and we just want our family life back. There were a couple of different reasons for the separation but the main one was that my husband thinks that we are not compatible anymore. He feels that he is more serious and settled and I am more reckless and carefree. I admit that we have different personalities. But I don’t think that this is a deal breaker. My husband says that he doesn’t want to spend his entire life feeling pressured to live a life that he doesn’t want. He said he prefers a quiet life and he doesn’t want to pretend to be someone that he is not. He is older than I am and although that has never been an issue for me, I guess it is now an issue for him. I admit that I have pressured him to go out and loosen up in the past. But I certainly won’t do it anymore. In the past, he has caught me going out with friends when I told him I was working. So there is a trust issue also. I don’t intend to ever do this again. I would not risk my marriage for any lifestyle or any friends and I have repeatedly told my husband the same. We have made some progress during the separation. He is more loving toward me and I am more willing to spend quiet nights at home. So since things are going so well, I suggested that my husband come home so we can reconcile. He told me that he isn’t ready for that. I don’t get it. Why is he so reluctant? Is there someone else? Is he never going to come back?”

I could identify with this wife. When my husband and I were separated, my pace was much more immediate than his. Every day without him seemed like an eternity. He took a very “wait and see” attitude while I felt that every day that he didn’t come home was a huge defeat that brought me closer to a divorce. It is very common for one spouse to be the one pushing very hard for the reconciliation while the other is not quite so sure. And this can be normal. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your spouse is never coming home, that there is someone else, or that they will never want to get back together. There are common and legitimate reasons for them to be reluctant to come home quite yet. I will discuss them below.

Often, People Are Reluctant To Reconcile Because They Aren’t Sure That Things Have Really Changed: Most of the time, your spouse is well aware that you are willing to say or do anything to get them back home. And understandably, this contributes to them having some doubts about the accuracy of everything that you are telling them. There’s no denying that usually both people want to believe that things have really changed and that your problems are not going to resurface. But it’s normal to have concerns about this, especially if not much time has passed during your separation. The main concern is often that the spouse will come home to find that he is dealing with the same troublesome issues that caused him to leave in the first place. There is often worry that you are saying what you need to say in order to get him to come home, but then you will go back to your regular behavior once you have met your goal.

Of course, you likely know that neither of these things are true and you are wondering how to convince him that you are sincere and that the changes are real and lasting. I will cover those issues right now.

Be Willing To Be Patient And To Show The Validity Of Your Changes Over A Longer Period Of Time: I do understand that you want your husband home as soon as possible. I know what that feels like. But I also know what it feels like to watch helplessly as your husband once again distances himself from you because you are pressuring him too much.

There is a real risk of pushing so hard that you seem too desperate. After all, he might think, if you have really changed and gained maturity, then what is the rush? Why the need for all of the pressure? As difficult as it is, often the best and the most successful strategy is to back off a little bit, especially if you are feeling resistance or doubt. You don’t want to make it appear that you are so insecure about your marriage and your progress that your only plan is to keep insisting on an immediate reconciliation. Instead, have confidence that over time, he will see that you are telling the truth because nothing is going to change and you have nothing to hide.  This will give you both confidence that the reconciliation is real and can actually work for the long term.

Keep doing what you have been doing in order to earn the progress that you are seeing. Have confidence that the changes you have made are genuine and lasting. Because if they are, this will eventually become obvious to your husband. And you don’t want to jeopardize the progress that you have made my applying too much pressure. Often the best thing that you can do is to have patience and to continue to build upon the progress you have already made. Once you do that, then it should be much more obvious to him that he can believe in the change he’s seeing. And as a result, you will have more of his enthusiasm and cooperation.

As I alluded to, I know how this feels. But, I also know how devastating it is to lose all of your progress because you allied to much pressure. I learned the hard way that it is better to wait until your spouse is sure than to pressure your spouse and have him back away. Because at that point, you have to work over time to make up what you have lost. I finally did get my reconciliation, but I made many mistakes first. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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