Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I have to admit that most of the correspondence that I receive comes from women or from wives. That’s not to say that I never hear from men. Because I do. But since my articles are written from the perspective of a wife dealing with (and trying to overcome) a separation, then I often hear from women in that exact same situation. And many of these women are very fed up because they know that they are not alone. Many of them know (or at least read about) another wife whose husband has suddenly decided that his need for space or a separation is more important to him (at east at that time) than what she wants. This can seem grossly unfair. And it can lead you to the assumption that this is a new and awful trend among married men – to just up and decide he needs space without considering what his wife’s feelings.

It’s not uncommon for me to hear from a wife who says something like: “I believe that I am the fourth wife in my neighborhood in the last six months to be dealing with a middle aged husband who suddenly wants a trial separation because he ‘needs space.’ There is a joke in our neighborhood that there must be something in the water. But this is no joking matter to me. I am hurting. I have been with my husband for over twenty years and I have been married for fourteen. This feels so awful for me. And what truly upsets me is that I did not have any say whatsoever in the matter. Nor did any of my friends whose husbands pulled the same thing. It’s as if these men just get to decide that they don’t like being married at this particular second and so they feel that they get to step back from their life and from their marriage. How is this fair? Why does it have to be this way?”

First of all, I know that this feels awful for you. I know because I have been there. And I know that it may seem like your husband hasn’t considered your feelings. You could be right about this. I certainly don’t know your husband. But I can tell you this. Remember above when I said that I do sometimes hear from husbands? Well, occasionally I hear from husbands who want to approach their wife about a separation. Many aren’t sure how to do this without hurting their wife. And many are putting an awful lot of time and emotions into thinking about how to do this in the right way. In fact, many tell me that they wish they weren’t experiencing their feelings. This is especially true if they have children. Because many are fully aware that their asking for space or a trial separation is going to cause a lot of hurt and fear.

Many wives assume that this is just a sudden declaration by their husband – that he just decided he wanted space one morning and announced it that same night. Many of the men that I hear from have been thinking about it (and struggling with it) for a long time.

Please don’t misunderstand me and think that I am taking up for men who need space. I’m not. I know this hurts. But I do want you to know that not all men in this situation are only thinking of themselves. Many are well aware that they are going to hurt their wives and they hesitate to do this for a long time before they actually do.

With this said, if you don’t think that he understands your feelings or that he isn’t considering them, then there is certainly nothing wrong with having a mature conversation about this. You might try something like: “please bear with me as I try to express some things. It’s hard because this comes as such a shock that I’m trying to collect myself. This feels abrupt to me and I feel as if you’re not giving me any opportunity to address whatever is the problem. Leaving or taking space is a huge and drastic measure. I feel that it is too drastic a measure to take before you have even given me a chance to address whatever is bothering you and before you have even shared your motivations with me. Can we back up for just a second and talk about what is wrong before we talk about taking space?”

I can’t promise you that he will suddenly back away from whatever need he thinks that he has. But, it may make him pause. And it will give you the opportunity to feel heard. I know that it seems that a lot of men who have been married for a while suddenly want space. But this has always been the case for as long as their has been marriages. Couples didn’t always talk so openly about it in the past. And women sometimes ask for space too. Frankly, our society has become increasingly destructive to marriages so that people feel more comfortable taking a step back.

His asking for space doesn’t necessarily and always mean that your marriage is over either. But it can mean that you have to be careful about how you address this. If you tell him that he’s selfish and thoughtless and you get defensive, then you’re not helping your cause. But if you try to get to the core issue and make it appear that you are trying to work with him rather than against him, this usually works better.

I honestly didn’t think that my husband cared about my feelings at all during our separation.  But after we reconciled, he admitted that he cared quite a bit.  He just didn’t let me see it.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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