Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who fully realize that their marriage may exist on borrowed time. Some of these wives have husbands staying with family and friends as the couple gives one another space or spends time apart. Others are living life as a separated couple, and the marriage may not survive. Others have a husband who regularly announces how unhappy he is in the marriage, so it’s clear that he wants out of it.

And yet many of these wives wonder: If this husband is so unhappy, why hasn’t he filed or asked for a divorce? Why is he just treading water? Why won’t he make a decision?

A wife might say, “My husband has been living with his brother for about thirteen weeks. He initially made no secret about his relief to be free of me. We have been a little more cordial for the last several weeks. We’ve even had a few laughs. But we are nowhere close to reconciling. He still seems very content to be living like a single man. He has planned trips for himself. He has made an investment on his own. He seems to be moving away from me. None of his plans ever include me anymore. And yet, he has not filed for divorce. In fact, he has never even mentioned one. Why? I just can’t figure it out. I don’t want to ask him because I don’t want him to think that I’m actually pushing for a divorce. I’m not. Despite all that has happened between us, I’d like to save our marriage eventually. But I’m not naive or stupid. I know that our future looks very bleak. I know that he’s leaning toward ending our marriage very soon. But I just can’t fathom why he hasn’t filed or asked me for a divorce.”

There are many reasons why he may be dragging his feet or hesitant to file or ask for a divorce. I will list some of what I consider the most likely below.

Ending Your Marriage Is A Huge Decision That Has Serious Repercussions: Despite how it might feel right now, most people are hesitant to end their marriages. Getting a divorce is an enormous decision that will necessitate a lifestyle change for both spouses, children of the marriage, and even extended family.

This is going to affect the lives of people who your husband cares about. Most people do not take this likely. So if he is going to make this type of decision, he’s going to want to be very sure about it, which leads me to my next point.

He May Have Mixed Feelings: I find that many wives fearing divorce will view their situations with a negative slant. Because we are so afraid of losing our marriages, we’ll worry that this is exactly what is going to happen, even when he hasn’t yet mentioned a divorce. So when our situation improves, even if it’s only slightly, we can’t see it. Even when our husband’s perceptions may be changing for the better, and even when he’s just beginning to have mixed feelings, we can’t bring ourselves to admit improvement.

Possibly, your husband may not be enjoying the single life as much as you think. While he may still want to live separately and explore how he feels within this new normal, he may not be positive that he wants to end your marriage.

He may still be waiting to evaluate how he’s going to feel when enough time has passed that he can trust his feelings. Or, his feelings may be changing, even if only a little.

He May Be Gearing Up To File In The Near Future: I hate to even bring up this possibility, but it happens. Sometimes, when husbands seem a bit slow to file for divorce, they are educating themselves on this process so that they’re well prepared when it actually happens. They’re meeting with or researching attorneys and pondering their options. They may even be saving some money to gear up for the expense of a divorce.

Now, this is only true of a subset of husbands. I’m not implying that this is true of your husband. But I do feel that I need to mention it as a possibility because I have seen it happen.

How To Handle This Possible Calm Before The Storm: I understand that you are living with a sense of dread right now. I experienced the same thing. But I learned that the most efficient and effective way to deal with this situation is to see the time you have a gift and work with what you have.

In truth, he HASN’T filed for divorce yet, which means that, by definition, you still have an opportunity to save your marriage.

I know that you don’t make much of the slight improvement you’ve seen, but I believe that it is a mistake to underestimate it. My own situation looked just as dire. However, I’m still married. And a big reason for that is that I seized on a series of small, tiny opportunities to make gradual progress and eventually, to save my marriage.

As long as there is no divorce, anyone can employ this strategy (and I even know of a few couples who reconciled after a divorce.) Sharing a few laughs may not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s significantly better than where you started. Acknowledge this and try very hard for similar small gains.

During my own separation, I had to embrace a plan that meant that as long as I was still married, I was going to maintain my hope, no matter how small. This seemed naive or even silly at times. But looking back, it made all of the difference and meant that my biggest fear – losing my marriage, never actually happened.

I can’t tell you exactly why your husband hasn’t filed for divorce. But I can tell you that, despite all the uncertainty, it does mean that you are still married. And this is a huge advantage. Use it. Keep trying while you still can. You can read about how I kept plugging away at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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