Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes get correspondence from separated wives who are operating under the assumption that their husband doesn’t care all that much about them anymore. After all, if he cared, he wouldn’t have initiated the separation, right? If he cared, he wouldn’t want for his wife to live on her own while he got that space that he’s so desperately been craving. And, that’s why many of these wives are genuinely surprised when this same separated husband begins showing concern for them by taking the initiative to see them.

A wife might say: “for the last four weeks, my husband has come over for dinner every Friday without fail. I find this very surprising, considering that two months ago he basically told me that he didn’t love me in the way that he should.  Because of this, he felt like we should separate. I flat out asked him if he still cared about me and he didn’t exactly go to any trouble to tell me that he still did. For the first couple of weeks of our separation, I didn’t hear from him at all even though one of my family members became ill. Then, a little while ago, he started calling me and asking how I was. He seemed legitimately interested. Then he invited himself to dinner and he has been repeating that process ever since. One Friday, I had other plans and so he asked if Saturday would work instead. But it was clear that he didn’t want to forgo seeing me that week. This leaves me very confused. He seemed to want a separation because he felt sure that he didn’t care about me anymore. Now he is clearly wanting to spend time with me. Is this the behavior or someone who doesn’t care?”

It wouldn’t appear to be. And I know that you are frustrated with the mixed signals. But if you want to save your marriage, then this is a very good sign. Because think of the alternative – him continuing to ignore you and not reaching out to you. I know that his behavior is confusing, but I’ll quickly go over why you might be seeing this. And then I’ll offer some considerations on how to handle it.

Why He May Suddenly Appear To Be The Caring, Separated Husband: The obvious reason that you are seeing this is because being separated has allowed your husband to see that he does care very much after all. This happens sometimes. When you are apart, the immediacy of the situation goes away and people are able to calm down and see things a little more objectively.

He may not have anticipated how much he would miss you once you were apart, but this may be exactly what has happened. And he may not know how to tell you this, so instead of talking, he is just trying to gradually take baby steps toward your relationship again – which is why you seeing those weekly dinners.

Of course, this is only speculation. I can’t possibly know his motivations, but these are logical and common ones. People often realize how much they care when they don’t see their spouse every day and therefore are able to realize how mistaken they might have been or how much they took their spouse for granted. Now, let’s think about how you might want to handle this.

Deciding How You Want To Proceed: Some wives in this situation will hold back because they don’t understand his motivations and they do not want to be hurt. That is perfectly understandable. Luckily, he’s only asking you to meet once per week, so this is a nice, slow, and gradual pace. How you want to move forward really depends upon whether you are still interested and invested in your marriage. If you are, then it makes sense to see where this might lead.

Another reaction that I see (which I did myself) is to get all excited and to hope that his new caring and interest means that you are going to reconcile very quickly. I understand this, but from experience I’d caution you against over stepping. Because it puts unnecessary pressure onto the situation and sometimes it causes your husband to back away.

I believe that you are much better off taking things at a steady but gradual pace. Enjoy this time. It often feels so good to see your spouse acting caring and interested again. I know that it’s very tempting to always ask yourself what he wants and to wonder why he is suddenly acting this way. But sometimes, it’s harmful to constantly question things. It is better to tell yourself that you will take things day by day and not make any assumptions.

Just enjoy today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Allowing things to develop in their own time ensures that they go at a natural pace. It doesn’t force pressure onto an already tricky situation and it ensures that you are both more clear on your feelings.

It’s a good thing that he’s showing caring behaviors toward you. But it’s a bit soon to know exactly what it means. That’s why I’d try to calmly encourage it but to not overreact. You have a better chance of getting more of the caring behavior if you don’t push things and you just let it happen naturally.

I understand that it can be hard to just wait and see.  I found it nearly impossible.  But every time I would try to rush my husband, I ended up regretting it.  But when I went at a slower pace, I almost always got better results. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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