Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives are very focused on communication. Many of them realize that they’ll need to eventually improve their communication to save their marriages. So they may reach out often or aggressively try to talk to or text their spouse. Unfortunately, they’re often rebuffed, and they do not understand why.

One of these wives might say: “My separated husband is keeping me at arm’s length, and I honestly don’t get it. Granted, he wanted to separate, but he’s basically rejecting me. He promised me that we’d be in touch. He also said if we could heal, we could eventually reconcile. There were no explosive issues or fights that caused our separation. We just grew apart. It’s not as if we hate one another or that he’s angry with me. But every time I reach out to him, he puts me off. At times, he almost seems rude, as if he thinks I’m out of line to want to talk to my own husband. I’ve asked if I’ve done something to annoy him, and he says I haven’t. But he still won’t talk to me or give me any information. I just don’t get it. I’ve done everything he’s asked of me, but he just won’t communicate. Why?”

I understand how confusing and painful this is. But I’d offer a warning. When my own separated husband wouldn’t communicate with me, I tried to push it. I doubled my efforts. I became an unrestrained pest. Of course, I only made it worse. And he was willing to communicate even less than before.

I believe that it’s easier to act methodically and effectively if you understand WHY he might not be communicating with you right now. It’s important to understand that sometimes the reasons have more to do with him than with you. Sometimes, the reasons are situational. And sometimes, they are emotional or psychological – which means that it’s possible he will work through them, and things will change.

Always keep in mind that change and progress are possible without your needing to make huge gestures that might make things worse.

Here’s a look at some possibilities:

A Distancing Due to an Attempt at Emotional Protection: When we are separated, we tend to focus on our own pain. We assume that we are the one who is hurting the most. And, because we can’t see our spouse, we assume that he’s doing just fine.

This isn’t always the case, though. He’s often hurt and struggling, just like we are. But he doesn’t necessarily want to show that – so he’ll back away a bit as he’s trying to work through things. 

He Doesn’t Know What He Feels or Wants and Therefore Doesn’t Know How to Communicate the Same: It would be wonderful if your husband could interpret and understand his feelings and then share the same with you.

But this is so rare. People’s self-awareness is at an all-time low during difficult times like separations. Think about it. That’s why marriage counselors have waiting lists.  

Still, your husband likely knows that you’re going to inquire about how he’s feeling or which way he’s leaning.

He may not have those answers and therefore, doesn’t know how he can possibly communicate right now. So it’s just easier to avoid you so that he doesn’t have to struggle to explain himself. 

After some time has passed, he may get a little more insight and therefore, may be able to offer you more communication. 

He’s Trying To Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations: Many people who separate want some time alone before they get together with their spouse and try to have difficult conversations. Having these types of conversations too soon can be awkward and painful, so your husband may be trying to avoid this.

He may want to allow things to calm down or for you both to get used to your new normal before you attempt potentially heavy conversations.

So he may perceive that it’s easier to delay this process than to struggle through it in the beginning.

He May Be Trying to Posture or Assert Some Control: People can feel as if their life is not their own when separated. This is a time when someone else’s decisions and behaviors can affect or change your marital status – and therefore, your life.

So by refusing to communicate – at least initially -, he may be trying to recover a sense of control. 

Or he may be posturing somewhat to lower your expectations at the beginning of the separation since he’s not yet sure how he wants this to go. 

He May Think He’s Prioritizing Himself: Many people who become separated vow to focus on themselves and to be selfish for a little while. So they try to protect themselves from demands on their time and emotions.

He may think that this is what he is doing by limiting communication right now. He may be planning to communicate at a later time, once he has taken what he feels is enough time to concentrate on himself. 

How to Best Handle This: As I hinted at above, resist the urge to demand more from him when he is already hesitant. Resist the urge to grill him about why he is acting this way. Have some patience and accept conversations about things that may seem trivial and petty right now – but are pleasant enough.

You want to show him that you don’t need to have heavy, unpleasant conversations right now. It’s enough to just talk as regularly as possible. You want to try to leave every conversation on a positive note so he won’t be as reluctant to do it again.

Keep topics light so that there isn’t discomfort initially. You can work up to the important but difficult conversations later, but you don’t need to do that initially. Ease into it until he is more willing.

Just take what you can get right now and try to remain playful and pleasant so that he is more likely to want to willingly talk to you. If you’re able to do that, you can build on your progress, so that eventually, he is more than willing to communicate with you. 

I know that this is asking a lot.  But slowing down with my demands and taking what my husband offered me really changed the dynamic of my separation and was the start of a shift that allowed us to reconcile.  You can read the entire story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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