Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you are the spouse who is sure that you want to save your marriage, you feel like it’s such a simple question. One would think that the question of “do we want to fix our marriage” only requires a yes or no answer. How hard is it to go ahead and chime in with the appropriate response?

Apparently, it is a challenge for some because not all spouses are able to answer this question with a simple yes or no. Some will stall or will insist that they just don’t know what they want.

I might hear a wife say: “for the last six months, my husband and I have discussed whether or not we are going to separate or try to fix our marriage. I really want to fix it. We’ve been married for over ten years and, to me, that is just too much time to invest in something and then to turn around and walk away from it. I don’t feel super loving toward my husband right now, but I do suspect that if we fixed some of our problems, then the feelings would return. So I am more than willing to make the commitment to fix our marriage. The problem is that my husband can not say the same. Well, I should clarify. He doesn’t know if he can say the same. Every time I ask him what he’s thinking, he tells me that he is still not sure. I don’t understand why he is being so indecisive. Either he thinks our marriage is worth it or he doesn’t. What is so difficult about it?”

I can speculate as to what he might be thinking, but honestly, only the husband really knows. And because of his indecisiveness, he may not be super clear on this thought process.

Typically though, when people aren’t sure about whether or not they want to fix their marriage, there are some common reasons why. I will go over some of these possibilities below.

He Worries That You Will Not Be Successful: Many people are concerned that they will put their hearts on the line and they will bare their souls and do all of all this hard work only to fail in the end. They suspect that this is going to be a painful, awkward waste of time. And because of that, they would rather not allow themselves to be vulnerable only to eventually be hurt.

The way around this (at least in my opinion) is to make it clear that you are more than willing to elicit or to find outside help (or at least a system that has a good track record of success.) Your marriage is not something that you necessarily want to fix with “do it yourself” methods. Look at it this way. If you are not a mechanic and know nothing about cars, would you try to fix your own car and then drive onto a busy highway? Hopefully not. I think that the same should be true of your marriage. It makes sense to call in an expert or to at least read self help books and programs formulated by experts. This helps give you both the confidence that you are not wasting your time.

He Worries That He Is Not Up For The Very Unpleasant Tasks: Think of something that you really hate doing. Let’s say it’s the dentist. You know that you have to do it, but you likely dread it for weeks beforehand. Well, this is how many men feel about talking about their feelings and laying their emotions on the table for examination – which is what many of them think they are going to have to do when they try to save their marriages.

Now, I have been through this process and I can tell you that no one really asks you to lay on a couch and share your darkest childhood memories. But, your husband may be envisioning some variation on this. And if he is, it’s likely that every time he thinks about this process, his body tenses up and, because of this, he thinks that perhaps he doesn’t want to save his marriage after all.

The way around this resistance is to try to very hard to keep things light and easy. Try to bring an aspect of fun into this. When my husband and I finally began making some progress with saving our marriage, I always tried to step back when things were going well and just encourage days where we had fun together and never discussed our marriage at all. There were times when I was scared to do this because I feared that we would lose our momentum, but every time, it actually strengthened us because my husband saw that this could actually be fun. As best as you can, try to make this seem like a fun adventure where you get to rediscover one another instead of tearing your marriage down before you build it back up.

He’s Not Sure Of How He Feels: Sometimes, he takes the negativity and the doubt that he feels about the entire process and he mistakes it for his lack of feelings for you. This can make him doubt whether or not he has the appropriate feelings. And if he isn’t sure of his feelings, he can wonder if trying to fix your marriage is just a waste of time.

Again, you don’t want to apply pressure to this. You want to just remain upbeat and laid back. Once he sees that you aren’t there to make this process hard on him, then he will likely loosen his grip on his doubts, which should improve his feelings for you.

I hope that this has at least helped you identify where some of his reservations might be.  And I hope I have shown you that there is a way around every one of them.  I had to use many of these strategies when I saved my own marriage with a husband who at times was EXTREMELY reluctant and unsure.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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