Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of us like to think of ourselves as stoic adults. What I mean by this is that when you reach adulthood, you are supposed to be able to handle life’s challenges – especially emotional ones. You’re not the kid in high school who would brood over a break up anymore. When people disappoint you today, you are supposed to realize that you have bigger issues to worry about and move on.

Adults are expected to not be overly emotional. After all, many of us are focused on our careers, aging parents, and caring for children. We do not have the time to get bogged down in the mire of our love lives. And many of us assume that we are not going to have to deal with this anyway. We hope that we have stable marriages with stable emotions. However, when we end up separated, we may be absolutely shocked to find that we are not as stoic as we once thought. The pain might take us by surprise and we may not exactly understand the reason behind the pain.

Someone might ask this type of question: “my husband sort of blindsided me with a separation. I knew that our marriage wasn’t as strong as it used to be, but I honestly didn’t think that separation or divorce was on the horizon. I thought that our marriage was stable enough to weather the storm. Apparently my husband doesn’t agree and he moved out a few weeks ago. Honestly, I am very surprised at my response. I am usually someone who is very even-keeled and who can handle just about anything with my head held high. But this has honestly devastated me. I find myself really struggling with the pain. This week, there was a function at work, and I had to answer for why my husband wasn’t present. I couldn’t even get out an explanation before I started choking up. I never get emotional at work and I was horrified that I was showing personal emotions in a professional setting. I love my husband and I know that it’s normal to feel some emotion during marital issues, but I never anticipated that it would be quite this bad. Every day is really hard. I honestly can’t remember dealing with hurt this severe. Intellectually, I know that I am alive and healthy and have so much to be grateful for. So why does this hurt so much?”

I can certainly give you some theories. And I know just how much this hurts. I too am typically a pretty stoic person, but I can not express how much I struggled also. It shocked me, too. I think that, like no other, this is a time when we need to be gentle with ourselves. Dealing with the issue is challenging enough without us getting angry with ourselves when what we are feeling is natural. Now, I will move onto why it hurts so much.

It Feels Like A Rejection From The Person With Whom We Have Allowed Ourselves To Be The Most Vulnerable: I think that one of the primary reasons that this hurts so bad is because we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with our spouse and build up a high degree of trust. Over time, we come to believe that they will always be there and will always have our backs. We believe that, even in tough times, they are our rock and that we can always count on them. So, when something happens and this seems to be in question, we can feel very let down and almost betrayed. Now we have to wonder why this permanent person may not be so permanent anymore. And it can feel like a rejection from the person we “let in” and most depended upon. It is that vulnerability that makes it hurt so very much.

A Feeling Of Failure: I think that another major reason for the pain is that many of us consider our marriage our greatest commitment and accomplishment. Many of us get a sense of peace and self esteem from our marriage. So when this is in question, it makes us feel “less than” we felt previously.

When I was separated, I suddenly felt like a failure. I thought I didn’t try hard enough. And I realized that I unknowingly made judgements about people who were divorced. I am not proud of this. But I used to think that people who were divorced just did not have the skills or the commitment to make it work. And I thought less of them because of this. So I thought less of myself when it appeared that I was heading this way. (I have since revised my opinion somewhat.)

Know That If You Make Some Progress And Get Some Time Underneath You, It Gets Better: It’s probably common sense that if you are able to reconcile and end the separation, the feelings of pain begin to abate. I can tell you that you don’t magically just feel perfect, though. For a while after my reconciliation, I was always worried about my marriage. I didn’t always feel at ease. Still, making improvements and adjustments to your marriage (as well as the passage of time) can give you the confidence that you can get through this and that lessens the pain.

Plus you begin to realize that even with the pain, you are surviving and that in and of itself helps also. I would strongly encourage you to have some patience with yourself. If your sister was separated, I doubt you would tell her that she just needs to buck up and not be overly emotional. You would tell her that her feelings are understandable and you would try to support her. So please give yourself the same courtesy and support as you would give to any other loved one.

I do understand the pain.  I felt it. For much longer than I wanted to.  And then one day I just could not take it anymore.  I began to place my focus on friends and family that loved me.  And I told myself that this would only be temporary.  The change in focus completely changed my husband’s attitude toward me.  And it was only then that we made progress. You can read more about how that played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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