Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who have been served with divorce papers or whose husbands have told them that they want to end the marriage. And, much of the time, the husband will not give concrete reasons as to why he is doing this. The wife will be determined to find out his reasons for the divorce, but often she will get vague answers like “I’m just not happy being married anymore.” Or ” I just think our marriage is over.” Another one is: “It’s just not there for me anymore.”

These sorts of statements can frustrate and infuriate wives. They often don’t think these explanations even begin to cut it. And, the wives often want the reason why he wants a divorce so that they can use that same reasoning to change his mind. I often hear comments like “I just don’t understand why he wants a divorce. Things really aren’t that bad, and if we worked together, we could get back on track. If he would just be honest with me, I could deal with this. I could handle anything if he would just be forthcoming.”

I understand how frustrating this is, as I dealt with this situation myself. You think that if you could just understand his thought process, you could discuss this rationally and eventually change his mind. The thing that most women don’t understand is that often, the husband isn’t completely sure why he wants a divorce. He just knows that something is of,f and this is the way he’s going about fixing it.

But, I do hear from a lot of the men in this situation to and there are definitely some common threads. I will tell you some common reasons men give for wanting a divorce in the following article.

Men Sometimes Focus On Physical Changes That Lead To Them Wanting A Divorce, But They Are also Affected Emotionally: Many women will assume that when a man wants a divorce, he has another woman or that he wants to date around. And this is sometimes true. But just as often, men will tell you that the spark is gone. They will tell you that the physical chemistry is no longer there and that they feel like a roommate to their wife rather than a spouse and lover.

When wives hear this, they get very angry. They will respond with things like “well, it’s hard to be all over each other when you have sports and homework with the kids and a job and house to attend to. I do the best I can, but my schedule is very demanding, and he’s just being selfish.”

Honestly, both sides are very valid. Men often don’t examine their reasoning or even stop for a second to ask themselves if it is fair or valid. Eventually, they just respond to what has been bothering them and to what they often hoped would change but didn’t. I’m not saying their reasoning is right. I’m just trying to explain so you at least have some understanding when he isn’t giving it to you.

And quite often, there is more going on than just a physical change. Often, if you dialogue with these men for more than a few minutes, you will find that they are reacting to a change in an emotional connection as well. You will often hear things like “she used to make time for me. But now she’s always rushing, and it’s like I’m not even there.” Or “she used to laugh at and listen to what I said. She used to think what I had to say was interesting. Now, I feel like she rushes me or she doesn’t even listen. I feel like she’s more interested in the kids or her friends than me.”

Most Of The Time, Avoiding A Divorce Means Reestablishing The Intimacy And Connection: Many people will point to broad problems as the cause of their divorce. They’ll tell you it’s money or sex or another person. But I maintain that almost every reason for a divorce ultimately boils down to a breakdown of the intimacy and connection. Because if two people are feeling connected and as part of a team, then the external things do not sway them as much, because they are still invested.

It’s when the disconnect takes hold that the other issues seem so much bigger or insurmountable. I often tell wives facing a divorce not to focus so much on pinpointing the exact reason that he wants a divorce. He doesn’t always know, and there are often a combination of reasons that all lead back to a loss of intimacy or connection somewhere along the way.

Often, if you can work to gradually reestablish a relationship that leads back to a connection and eventually intimacy, you’ll see that those other issues fade to the background and don’t matter nearly as much anyway.