Leslie Cane Articles

This blog is about getting through your separation and hopefully, saving your marriage in the process. Because of this theme, much of the audience consists of women who are spending time away from their husband while trying to get him back. From those I hear from, it is clear that most yearn for their husband. In fact, many of them pine for him. And they don’t understand why.

Someone might ask, “I don’t understand this ridiculous pining for my separated husband which is taking up so much of my time. I love my husband. I always have. But I have never been the type of wife who made a big fuss when we were apart. I’m not overly romantic. I’ve always been pretty practical about relationships. But ever since my trial separation, I’ve been pretty obsessed about my husband. I go into his closet and try to smell his clothes. I look at old pictures. I call and text him more than I should. It’s like I’m a silly school girl and it’s embarrassing. Is it normal to pine for a separated husband this way? If so, why?”

Oh yes, it is most definitely normal to pine. I certainly did. Before I tell you why I believe this happens, I’d like to quote the Webster’s definition in case anyone isn’t sure what this means: “Pine for: to feel very sad because someone wants something or is not with someone.”

Why We Pine For Our Separated Husbands When It’s Not Our Usual Behavior: I don’t know about you. But NOTHING about my separation felt normal. I woke up alone. I ate alone. I was in my home alone. I no longer had my spouse to share things with. I could not spontaneously speak with my spouse. So yes, I missed him very much. I missed his personal presence.

Under these circumstances, you can’t help but feel the void of him very deeply. And if you are anything like I was, you may realize that you took him for granted. You may also realize that separation comes before a divorce, so theoretically, there is a chance that you could lose him. (Even though you’re going to do everything in your power to avoid this.) It’s no wonder that this thought process would make you pine for him.

Deciding Where To Go From Here: I don’t think that a little pining is necessarily negative. If it forces you to take concrete action to improve your situation, then it’s actually a positive. However, if it just makes you feel hopeless and stuck, then you need to address it.

In my case, I really had two options: I could just wallow in my feelings. Or I could acknowledge them but work around them. I also used them as a gage to tell me that I was right in not giving up on my marriage. However, because my husband was more reluctant to reconcile than I was, there was nothing that I could do to act on my feelings right then. So, I had to distract myself with other things.

Because every time that I tried to act on my feelings, I came on too strong and this frustrated my husband. So I had to find ways to release my feelings and I had to find ways to properly use my spare time.

Finding Positive Outlets For Your Feelings: Let’s be real for a second. You’ve got all these feelings and they’ve got to go somewhere. As I alluded to before, the feelings can be a useful compass that you are following your truth. When you pine for your husband, that’s a good indicator that you are still invested in your marriage. Therefore, you are correct to keep pursuing reconciliation.

At the same time, if your husband isn’t pining at the same rate as you are, then you may need to tread water for a while. In my own case, I both pursued and waited by vowing to try to make each communication positive (no matter how small.) Sometimes this was only texts. But I gratefully took what was offered and tried to always keep things positive, every single time. Doing so ensured that communication remained open. This is vital. Because texts eventually turn into phone calls. And phone calls turn into meetings.

In the meantime, I showered love on my family, friends, and charities that were close to my heart. I found outlets for my creativity and curiosity. My husband noticed a difference in my approach and responded in kind. This was an important turning point for me.

So there is absolutely nothing wrong with pining for your separated husband. In fact, this might be confirmation that you are on the right track. But if your husband is reluctant to reconcile right this second, use your feelings in constructive rather than destructive ways. Be patient. Stay positive. And find outlets for your feelings while you are waiting. Sometimes you have to play the long game.  You can read about how I played and finally got my husband back at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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