Why Do People Come Back To Their Spouses After They Leave Them?
By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are trying to craft a plan to get their separated husband to return back home. Most people will try to be straightforward with positive tactics, at least in the beginning of the process. The hope is that the two spouses can reconnect and then reconcile in a healthy way.
This is truly the ideal. You want for the separation to inspire the marriage to heal – so that it ultimately becomes better than the marriage that you started with. This doesn’t always seem possible, though. Sometimes, the spouse who wanted the separation in the first place is resistant and cold.
Understandably, in response to this, many wives tell themselves that, if necessary, they will use any tactic to get their separated husband to come back – including tactics which they would have found too risky before. Someone might admit: “if you would have told me that I would be trying to get my husband’s pity and guilt to get him to come back to me, I never would have believed you. I have never been one of those wives who believes that it is OK to use the kids to get to my husband. But I am not sure what else I am supposed to do. My husband left two weeks ago, and he never wants to see me or take my calls. Ideally, we would date and then start to rebuild our marriage. But he doesn’t seem open to this at all. So now I’m left with trying to show him how much this separation is costing us all. I want him to know that his children are struggling and that we are all going to be poor because of this. Some of my friends tell me that this is the wrong way to go about it. But I believe that appealing to his guilt is my best chance. Why do separated men ultimately come back? Can they come back out of guilt?”
They sometimes do. But I have to tell you that they do not always stay when you use tactics based on fear, guilt, or pity. These strategies are generally only a short term solution, at best. In the following article, I’ll tell you what I see as common reasons as to why spouses come home. I will break them up into positive and negative strategies. The negative strategies may seem to be effective at first glance, but they generally do not last and have the risk of making things worse in the long term.
Negative Strategies Often Used For Getting A Separated Spouse Back
Money: One very common reason that separated spouses reluctantly come back is that they slowly begin to realize just how much a divorce or supporting two households is going to cost them. Some wives will help this along by spending as much as they can to show their husband how costly this whole process is.
I understand why this strategy is tempting, but it is also very risky. What happens if he gets a raise or a windfall? If he is only with you because of the money, then as soon as his financial situation improves, there is nothing keeping him there. And if you don’t fix your issues, he may decide that he would rather have less money but more freedom.
Guilt Over The Children Or Regret At Not Owning Up To His Responsibilities: This is a very common strategy. People who have children will make sure that their separated husband knows how sad the kids are and how awful it is going to be for them to grow up in a single parent home.
While I completely agree that staying together is ideal for children, I also know that if you use your kids as a bargaining chip, you may end up regretting this eventually. A man who is only with you because you are the mother of his child is likely to leave once he feels that the children are old enough to handle it. And he may resent you, even if he stays. This doesn’t create the ideal environment for the kids either. There are better ways to get the same result, in my opinion.
His Experience Of Living On His Own Wasn’t Positive So He Falls Back To What He Already Knows: Sometimes, a man thinks that living on his own is going to be a fun adventure – until he finds out that he’s lonely and has to do everything for himself. Then he may quickly change his tune when he realizes that life was just easier when he had a spouse. Although you may feel triumphant when this happens, it really is not a clean victory. He will feel badly about himself and his heart may not be truly in any reconciliation. He’s only there because his experiment failed, not because he really wants to be.
Positive Reasons That Separated Husbands Come Home
Here are more positive things that you can try. I know that they can take longer to achieve. But in my experience, they give you a better chance to save your marriage.
Your Spouse Genuinely Misses You And Feels A Void: This happens more often than many people suspect, although it sometimes takes longer than we would like. Sometimes, being away from you gives your spouse a different perspective on your marriage. It gives him objectivity and he may come to realize that he actually had a pretty good thing going, but he made the mistake of not realizing it at the time.
Your Spouse Decides To Work A Little Harder At Saving Your Marriage: Sometimes, separations give people objectivity that they didn’t have before. Sometimes we see problems, and our parts in them, a little differently. When this happens, spouses can come back to the negotiating table, vowing to not be quite as stubborn this time. This is a GREAT start, but it’s only a start. You have to be willing to take the next step and really fix what was wrong.
You’ve Worked Really Hard To Address Your Issues, Giving You Both Confidence That It Can Work: This is the ideal. If you can find a great counselor or self help resource that allows you to identify the biggest issues that damage your marriage and then fix them, you will have a situation in which both people are eager and happy to stay in your marriage. This scenario has the best chance of long term success because it has removed the issues that were damaging the marriage over and over again. You feel more connected and content, and because of this, you are more willing to maintain what you’ve built.
I know that this strategy seems like the hardest of all those listed. But choosing this one means that you don’t have to always worry that your husband isn’t with you for the right reasons and that he may leave again at any time.
Believe me, if I had thought that any of the negative strategies would have worked, I would have tried them. As I was, I hounded my husband during my own separation and then he started to avoid me. I lucked into a more positive strategy, that thankfully, started to work. There’s more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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