Why Do Men Really Leave Their Wives?
By: Leslie Cane: I think it’s very fair to say that the majority of the folks that I hear from are wives. And, of those wives, many of them are in a situation where their husband is either threatening to leave them or the marriage – or he has already left. Many of the wives are given various excuses for this – the husband needs space, he isn’t sure if he loves her anymore, he doubts his wish to remain married, he needs to evaluate his current life plan, etc.
Many of these wives have suspicions about the line that he is feeding them. I sometimes hear a comment like: “there are no less than eight wives in my office who have been left by their husbands in the last six months. The other day, we all got together and we actually compared our husband’s reasons for leaving. Many used the excuse that they needed some time to evaluate themselves and what they wanted. But many of us feel that this is the most lamest of excuses. Most of us feel that he is in a classic mid life crisis and he is just looking to trade us in for a newer model. Is this true? Because if its not, why would a man leave a really good wife who is still committed to him?”
These are questions that I have asked myself. I do have some theories. But that is all they are – my own opinion. I’m certainly not a man so I can’t say that I have experienced a middle aged man’s thought process. But I do hear from a lot of men on the verge or leaving or who have already left. Even young men express some of the same justifications for wanting to leave. Below are some of the reasons that I believe that men really leave their wives.
The Reasoning Behind A Mid Life Crisis And How They Contribute To A Man Leaving: I have had many men tell me that the mid life crisis is a myth. Perhaps the wording of it is a myth because frankly, I believe that it happens to young people too. But over and over again, I hear from or about men who get in a point in their lives where they are asking themselves “is there all this is? And if I only have so much time left, is this really the way that I want to live in my remaining time?”
By the way, women of any age can ask these questions too. Young men can ask these questions. You don’t have to be middle aged to have these concerns. But middle age is when these concerns come to the service for many people. People often tell me that a man going through this will suddenly think that he doesn’t love his wife anymore and this is why he has to leave. I don’t think that this is always true. I’ve had men tell me that they leave precisely because they do still love their wives. They hate looking at her every day and knowing that they are being unfair. And they know that they can’t accurately evaluate how they are really feeling if they are with her every single day because they will feel guilt because they care. Many will say that this is the coward’s way out and I could see that argument. But many of the men are trying to do the right thing while still staying true to themselves, at least in their own mind.
They Are In A Situation That They Feel They Just Can’t Endure Anymore: The above scenario, described a situation in which the man wasn’t really angry with his wife. There wasn’t anything wrong with his marriage. He just was wondering if it was enough at the stage of life he was in.
However, in many scenarios, the husband is dealing with something that he thinks is a potential deal breaker. Perhaps there is a serious disconnect between the spouses. Or perhaps the husband feels that his wife has done something so wrong that he will never see her or the marriage in the same way. There are many possibilities here. But in this situation, there is a definitely something that brings him leaving into motion. Perhaps the spouses no longer get along or this is a conflict that he believes just can not be worked through. Whatever the reason, he believes his life is going to be better leaving her than it will be staying with her.
They Want To See How They Would Feel Not Living With You: Many men who leave suspect that they might be happier if they were not living under the same roof as their wife. They aren’t sure that this is always going to be the case. But they know that, right now, they think it would be prudent to leave and see how this makes them feel. If they miss their wife, then they will know that their feelings or discontent were mistaken. If they don’t, then perhaps they need to think about if the marriage is working anymore. I guess you could call it an experiment of sorts.
None of these things are insurmountable. And frankly, sometimes, you don’t have to do very much to get him home. Sometimes, he realizes that he was wrong in his assumptions and he misses you. And other times, he takes his time coming to this determination or only does so once you are willing to remove some of that disconnect I talked about earlier.
My husband definitely took his time about coming home. Part of this was my fault because I handled this very badly. But we did eventually save our marriage and it is still going strong. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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