Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I think that I can safely speak for many separated wives when I say that we can feel quite abandoned during our separation. Even if our husband sat us down, gave us fair warning, and tried to make sure that we were taken care of during the break, it can still feel like you were abandoned. As bad as that is, though, not all wives have the luxury of a husband who warns them or tries to remain involved throughout the separation.

Some husbands are very “hands off” during the time apart – so much so that it almost seems as if he has fallen off the face of the earth. So when he changes his stance or suddenly becomes interested again, a wife can be resentful and can be unsure about what to do.

She might say: “I know that the word ‘abandoned’ is a strong one. And my husband gets furious when I use it because he denies that he ever abandoned me, but I’m not sure what else I am supposed to call it. Basically about three days before he actually moved out, he told me how unhappy he was. And he frankly never said that he was going to leave me. He just eluded to being unhappy. Then I come home from work and find a note that basically says he needs some time. No one actually said the word ‘separation,’ but that is certainly what it was. I would try to call and he wouldn’t be all that willing to talk to me. I had a health scare and he wasn’t there for me. I tried so many different things to get him to respond to me or to get him interested in me again and he pretty much rejected me. This went on for what seemed like such a long time. And finally, some friends and family members gave me tough love and told me that I was wasting my life waiting on him. So I stopped. Well, guess what? Then he decides he wants to be a husband again. To be honest, this really angered me and I told him that it was too late. But now he is literally chasing me. He calls. He comes by my work. He asks me what he has to do to get me back. The great irony is that I would have killed for this kind of behavior before. I would have done anything for it. But now it’s almost insulting. And I don’t understand it. Why would he abandon me and now be trying to win me back?”

Some Possible Theories: I am not a man. I am a woman and wife who has gone through something very similar. But I’ve spent a lot of time researching this and examining my own husband’s, so I can and will certainly share my theories. As a bit of background, I can’t say that I was abandoned. There was some warning beforehand and although my husband was not all that glad to hear from me during our separation and tended to avoid me, I am certain that if there had been a crisis or emergency, he would have been reachable and available. Like many, I eventually tired of waiting and I started to life my live. But I was always clear that I was still committed to my marriage. I just sort of set the waiting aside. Sure enough, he eventually became interested again.

Was I annoyed that it took so long? Yes, but I’ll share some reasons why it did. Ultimately I decided that maintaining my marriage was more important to me than keeping score or my wounded pride, but that is what it came down to for me. Everyone is different.

Why A Husband May Be Unavailable During The Separation And Then Suddenly Want You Back: This is going to sound awful, but sometimes a separated husband will tell you that once he is on his own, he finally feels that he can breathe again. I know that sounds really bad. And I don’t mean to imply that you kept him on too short a leash (I know that I didn’t.) It’s just that when your marriage is struggling, it can weigh on you. And so having some time to yourself to not carry that around can feel, well, freeing. As I’ve learned from my husband’s perspective, you want to be able to just rest easy and enjoy it for a bit. Which is why when your wife calls or tries to initiate contact, you shrug her off. You tell yourself that this will only be for a little while, but then more time goes by than you thought and now she’s mad at you – which makes you not want to call even more. The longer you wait, the worse it gets. So you tell yourself that you’ll just give it a little more time. Until one day you wake up and you realize how long it has been and you see how much you miss her. And then you begin to question exactly what you were thinking and you start to panic because you realize that you just potentially made the worst mistake of your life.

That panic is why you often see your husband trying gallantly to win you back. He knows that he’s waited too long. He knows that what he did was wrong. And he knows that you are angry and hurt. But he wants the marriage back anyway.

I’m not defending him. I know how difficult this can be. I know how you feel. I’m just trying to give you some insight on his thought process. I know that you worry that your friends and family will think that you are a pushover if you take him back. But only you can decide which course of action is right for you. Ultimately, you might decide that it’s better to move on. And you might decide to give him another chance. But don’t decide simply because of what someone else thinks because it is not their marriage.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled my similar situation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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