Why Did My Separated Husband Come Over And Then Leave Again?
By: Leslie Cane: Wives who are reluctantly separated can put a lot of stock in whether or not (and when) their husband steps foot into the home once again. I know this because I was one of these wives. Often, we put forth an awful lot of effort to get him to come by or to visit because the hope is that once he does, he won’t leave again. Getting him back to the house can take a considerable amount of effort – especially when the original reason that he left was because he wanted “space.” So we can be ecstatic when he finally agrees to come by – until he leaves again. This can be very confusing to a wife who worked oh so very hard to get him through that door.
She might explain: “for the first three weeks of our separation, my husband wouldn’t even really accept my calls. He didn’t want to talk to or see me. You would assume from his behavior that he was angry with me or that I did something wrong, but this didn’t seem to be the case. In fact, I asked him what I did and he couldn’t give me a straight answer. He would only say that he needed space and that the only way to really get that space was to move out. I was devastated but I tried to hear and respect what he was saying to me. However, as time went on, he started to call with some regularity. I tried not to get my hopes us, but I admit that I eventually did get excited at the idea that things might be changing. We met at restaurants a few times and then I finally got up the courage to ask him to come over to the house and spend the day with me. I will admit that my hope was that we would have a wonderful day and that he wouldn’t leave at the end of the day. At worst, I hoped that he would spend the night. At best, I thought he would move back in. Well, we did have a wonderful day. I keep going back over the entire day in my own head and there wasn’t anything that wasn’t near perfect about it. But as night started to fall, my husband gathered his jacket and said that he needed to go back to his own place. I am sure that my disappointment was very obvious but I didn’t say anything and I didn’t break down until after he left. Why would he come over and not stay? Does this mean that he decided on that day that he didn’t want to be with me?”
It is very normal to expect the worst when we pinned so many hopes on that one outing that we worked so very hard to make happen. However, having gone through this myself and having heard from many other people who have gone through this, it would be uncommon for a husband to visit only once and then stay. Most of the time, his coming home for good is a gradual process.
Embracing (And Enjoying) The Gradual: Although this may not be what you want to hear (I know that I didn’t want to hear it either) it is actually beneficial to take things slowly. If you rush, people have doubts, issues are not solved, and you are vulnerable to being hit with the same old problems and issues before you’ve regained your marital footing.
Honestly, taking it slow has some advantages. That build up can be very tantalizing. And when you actually do live together again, that honeymoon period is so sweet because you know that you have done the work to make it successful and without awkwardness.
Look At How Far You Have Already Come: I know that you probably feel down right now, but I don’t think that you should. Just for a second, let’s look at how much progress you’ve made. You started with a husband who didn’t even want to talk on the phone and you’ve set it up where he’s now willingly visiting face to face and having a wonderful time when he does.
Honestly, that is something to celebrate. And it is also something that you can build on. As much of a challenge as it may be, try not to let your disappointment show. Because if it does, he may feel badly about the whole situation and hesitate to continue on with the meetings because he wants to spare you disappointment and pain. This is the last thing that you want.
This is only my opinion, but to me, your best bet is continue on with the progress that you have made. When the time is right, schedule another meeting. Continue to have fun. Ensure that things continue to go well. If you can do this successfully, there is no reason whatsoever that he shouldn’t eventually come home quite willingly. And when he does, you will have the confidence that you didn’t rush into it too quickly. And you will know that the timing was just right.
I do understand thinking that you don’t want to be without your husband for one more day. I know that feeling very intimately. But, it is better to get him home at the right time and in the right way. Because otherwise, you struggle with doubts and additional issues. And you don’t need this on top of everything else. You can read more about how I went from separated to reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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