Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are sometimes dangerously fixated on what they think is the eventual break up of their marriage (which they believe will start once their husband leaves them.) Sometimes, this is caused by the husband’s threatening to leave or by the fact that he has left before. Sometimes, wives believe this because they know that the marriage is on shaky ground and that the husband is beginning to get frustrated and distant.

Sometimes, there is nothing concrete that has been happening. For whatever reason, the wife believes that his leaving is imminent. And, also often, this makes things worse between husband and wife because her mind is always drifting to the worst-case scenario. This, in turn, might make her clingy, or paranoid, or depressed, or angry and this is going to affect the marriage even more negatively.

I often hear or read comments like: “I know that he’s going to leave me one day. There is no doubt in my mind about this. What can I do to keep this from happening because I don’t want to lose him? Still, I know that if I continue to harp on this and be clingy, I will lose him.” I will address this concern in the following article.

When Being Afraid That He Is Going To Leave You Becomes A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: Granted, sometimes his leaving is a real possibility. You can not just ignore what is going on around you or pretend that there is nothing wrong in your marriage when there are real issues that are staring you right in the face. However, dwelling on your fears and insecurities is really doing nothing positive or concrete to help you to solve this problem.

You are much better off focusing on the positive and taking real steps to strengthen your marriage rather than fixating on a day that might never come if you take the steps that you need to take. I can not tell you how many men tell me that a wife who is constantly looking for reassurance or making accusations that he has one foot out of the door is a huge turn off that actually makes him more likely to consider actually leaving you.

So, while you may not see it at the time, please trust me when I say that if you handle your fears of him leaving negatively and allow this to force you into thought patterns and behaviors that are unattractive, you only make what you fear most more of a possibility. Of course, this is not what you want and is not what your goal really is. But, it can be difficult to see that at the time when your emotions are boiling over.

Taking Concrete Steps When You Are Afraid That He Is Going To Leave. Overcoming A Lack Of Control: I have been in this exact situation. So, while I’m no mental health or relationship expert, I do know how you feel. I know that it’s very easy to let the fear take over. But, I also know that most of this fear stems from the perception of a lack of control. You feel like you know what’s going to happen and you know that it’s going to be awful and you’re afraid that you can’t do anything to stop it.

So, to stop this destructive cycle, you must do things that allow to regain some sense of control. You want to take concrete action because this will make you feel like you are least doing something. Taking the reigns will often help to relieve some of those “out of control” feelings.

So, what types of concrete action can you take? Focus on what you can improve TODAY.  Shift your sightline away from the future and stop looking at dread. Care for yourself and take part in the things that you know will bring you comfort and joy. That way, you can actually put a genuine smile on your face and become the type of person that your husband will enjoy being around.

That’s not to say that you should put on a happy face and ignore what is going on around you. That’s not realistic either. But, sometimes we become so hyper-focused on our problems that we make these problems worse. Of course, you will need to identify, solve, and correctly address those problems. But, you’ve going to have a much harder time doing this if you are walking on eggshells or acting irrationally. This job will become so much easier if you come at it with a positive attitude and an atmosphere of cooperation. Your husband will likely be so much more receptive to your attempts when you are upbeat and positive rather than clingy, paranoid, and depressed.

I sometimes have women tell me “I wish I could do this, but I think that my marriage is too far gone. He’s going to leave and that’s not going to change whether I’m smiling or crying.” Maybe. I don’t know anyone’s individual situation. But, I firmly believe that the chances that he will leave are going to be reduced if you play your cards right. I also believe that, even if he does, you’re going to have a better chance to get him back if you leave him with a positive image of you rather than a negative one.

You definitely do not want his most recent memory of you to be one where you’re paranoid, fearful, and negative.

When I was afraid of losing my husband and desperately wanted to save my marriage, I made many mistakes. I allowed my fear to become a self-fulfilling prophecy because we did separate.  My paranoia drove my husband away and the thing I feared most actually happened.  As a result, I engaged in many embarrassing tactics that backfired and drove my husband further away. Changing tactics was not necessarily a calculated strategy but more desperate action. But changing tactics worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/