Leslie Cane Articles

Most people intuitively know that if they are going to reconcile with their separated spouse, they are going to need a lot of open and positive communication in order to make this happen. That is why it can be absolutely devastating when your spouse suddenly decides to cut off all communication and contact. It can feel as if your last hope for reconciling is gone. At least that is how it felt for me.

Here’s a common situation. Someone might say: “From the start, my separation did not go well. I dreaded it the whole time, but my husband insisted upon it. I tried to tell myself that once he had some time to sort things out, maybe our marriage would actually improve over the long term. I didn’t really believe that, but I so badly wanted this to happen. Well, it hasn’t happened.  Not at all. I will admit to being somewhat needy, but my husband has also been distant. This has not been a good combination. He told me that I needed to back off and give him some room. I tried to, but it was very difficult and I guess I pushed too hard. He got so mad at me that he said that he was cutting off contact for a while. He said that I could always contact him about anything relating to our kids, but he drew the line on personal matters between us. I am so upset by this. My ultimate goal was to save my marriage. I don’t think this will be possible if we are not in contact. I know that I my husband doesn’t want me to contact him, but I struggle with this. I will be home by myself and I will start to think that he is out with someone else and then I will want to text him just to reassure myself that this isn’t the case. Sometimes, I am tempted to make up something about the kids just so I can have something to talk to him about, but my friends say that I shouldn’t do this. It is going to be impossible for me to just sit here and not reach out. I don’t know how I am going to manage it and I’m really struggling with the fear that this is going to be the end of my marriage.”

Sometimes A Break, No Matter How Unwelcome, Is Actually Beneficial: I understand how you are feeling. I went through a similar situation during my own separation. As I recall it, my husband didn’t come out and say that I wasn’t to contact him. But it was very much implied because things had gotten so bad that when I tried to contact him, he would just avoid me. He never returned my calls or texts. And so for the most part, communication had stopped. I can identify with what you are saying about almost having to sit on your hands to keep yourself from reaching out. I actually left town (temporarily) to keep myself from continuing to make things worse between us. I knew that if I was in close proximity to him, I would drop by, call, and just continue to make things worse. My family and friends had been urging me to come visit, so I did. This allowed a couple of things to happen: I received the love, compassion, and support that I needed right about then. And I had a diversion to keep me from bothering my husband. I kept myself very busy with loved ones so that I could not relapse.

I did tell my husband where I was going. But I didn’t expect (or get) a response.  Eventually, though, a funny thing happened. My silence allowed the time for things to cool down. The next time my husband and I communicated, he contacted me.  With this little sliver of hope, it was soooo tempting for me to pounce and to go back to my old ways. But I could not deny that this silence / pause or whatever you wanted to call it actually helped my situation. So I continued to allow him to reach out to me and to set the pace (although it was very difficult at times) and that completely changed the tide.

Why do I tell you this? Because I want to offer you encouragement that sometimes the break in communication can actually be helpful. It can be the thing that stops the destructive cycle that was happening. It allows for things to calm down enough so that when you do resume communication, it will be more productive. I know that it can be very challenging to just stop communicating. You have to find a diversion or a way to stay very busy with something else. I know that it’s asking a lot of you. But if I was able to do this, then anyone can. And as difficult as it was, one thing became clear to me: If I continued demanding contact when my husband wasn’t receptive to it, I was very likely going to end up divorced. It was very clear that I had to try something new in order to have any chance at all at saving my marriage. I ultimately didn’t think a small break in communication could damage things any more than they already were. Luckily, I was right. I know that this is very difficult. But at least he is amenable to maintaining contact regarding the children, so he’s not totally cut things off. Every marriage and situation are different, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea to just back off for a little while and see what happens. This means that you won’t make a bad situation worse and you can test the waters to see if this improves things or if he will eventually reach out to you. I know that it’s easy to assume the worst and to think that if you take a break, that might be the wrong decision. But sometimes, it is the right one. And it can be only temporary.

I believe that it is helpful to ask yourself if things are going to improve if you continue on as you are?  In my case, they just would have gotten worse.  So I felt no choice in backing off some.  Thankfully, it worked.  You can read about why it worked  on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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