Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: No matter how your separation is going, chances are you wish it would end tomorrow. Even separated wives who know that they are fortunate to have husbands who are in regular touch still miss their old lives. It’s no wonder that one of the top questions among separated wives is when things will begin to feel normal again? When will they feel comfortable with their spouse again? When will the awkwardness begin to wane?

A wife might say, “I know that I have it better than many separated wives. My separated husband does treat me with respect. We don’t communicate as much or as intimately as I might like, but we do regularly communicate. He does care about taking care of the house and the kids. Obviously, he isn’t just going to drop out of our lives. He tries to be considerate of my feelings. But, at the same time, we are very much living separate lives. He says that he is open to one day reconciling, but he certainly has done nothing to act upon this. In fact, he seems very content being on his own right now. I miss our previous life so much. No, things weren’t perfect by a long shot. But they were better than me being completely on my own. As much as I try to put on a happy face, things always feel off and so very different. Even when I talk to his family, I feel the awkwardness seeping into our conversation. When will things begin to feel normal for us? I hate always feeling like I’m living someone else’s life, or as if I have to walk on eggshells. I want this over as soon as possible.”

Boy, do I know that feeling. I remember feeling exactly this way during my own separation. And I really wish that I could tell you that this will all be over tomorrow. Needless to say, I can’t do that. I don’t know your situation, and everyone is different.

If I’m being honest, I have to disclose that things didn’t return to what I would consider normal as soon as I would have liked, either. And even when they did, we created a new, and better, normal. Your experience may be different. But even so, below I’ll list what I believe would have helped me to feel more “normal” earlier. And I want to stress that I eventually DID get a normal home life back. But my own behavior may have delayed the time line.

Embrace A Different, But Temporary, Normal: It’s very easy and understandable to focus on how your life is different right now. And let’s be honest, there are likely very few places where you feel that your life is better than it was before the separation. But in my experience, it could always be worse, although I couldn’t see it at the time.

It’s very important to focus on the blessings you still have, not only for your own well-being but also for the sake of your marriage. Your husband is likely aware of your discontent, but he may begin to distance himself or lessen his exposure if being with you makes him feel sad, guilty, or abnormal. It is human nature to want to back away from the things that make you feel bad about life or about yourself.

That is why your husband mustn’t begin to associate you with sadness and loss. Preventing this begins with establishing a new normal where everyone can feel mostly at ease. Please don’t misunderstand me and think that I’m encouraging you to settle for less or to accept this separation. I’m not. Your goal is still to reconcile as soon as feasible. But you’re also going to want to make the best of things as they are right now.

This will not only help you to cope, but it will mean that your husband has no reason to avoid you or to dread dealing with you.

Yes, it may feel weird around your husband’s family (or even him) right now. But that doesn’t mean that you should stop communicating. Yes, family life may feel altered, but that doesn’t mean that you should shut it down. Just because things look and feel different doesn’t mean that you don’t still have a marriage or a coupled life.

Yes, you’re trying to reestablish your footing, but you are still standing. Embrace that. Be grateful for that. Things may stabilize tomorrow or next week, but be grateful for the here and now just the same. Don’t create pressure where there needs to be ease instead.

Don’t Settle For The Same Old Status Quo: I am going to say something that might sound harsh, but I firmly believe that it is true in many cases. It was definitely true in mine. Very often, the spouse who didn’t want the separation would be very happy to resume married life without drastic changes – especially for the sake of brevity. Even though you are fully aware that your marriage had its issues, you’d be fine with those issues right now if you could just have your married life back as soon as possible. You want to live under one roof again, no matter what that might look like. I would have taken my husband back any way I could get him.

In contrast, the spouse who wanted the separation often has the opposite thought process. Although he may well want the marriage back, he often wants to see a certain level of change before he is comfortable committing to this. See where I’m going here?

You can get back to the normalcy of living together much more quickly if you help him to facilitate the change that he’s looking for. If you embrace a new and improved marriage rather than just wanting to reconcile at all costs, he is much more likely to enthusiastically work with you to make it happen sooner rather than later.

I wish I had understood this because it would have saved a great deal of time and frustration. I know that it may feel like making changes is delaying the process, but in reality, you are most likely speeding things along because you’re showing your husband that it is safe to trust that you are serious about creating a marriage where you are both happier.

And that’s when he’s going to want to come home and create a normal-feeling life with you – when he feels that his efforts are likely to actually work. And honestly, there is nothing wrong with this. It is to your benefit to have it work as well. My marriage is definitely better off because my husband insisted that it actually change.  You can read the story of our separation and eventual reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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