Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, it’s probably fair to say that you are now or will in the future be approaching a crossroads in your marriage and are not sure which fork in the road you should follow. This may be something that you have been forced into because your spouse is leaning toward separating or maybe the choice is yours alone. Whatever brought you to this decision, it’s a huge and difficult one.

With that said, I must tell you upfront that, except in cases of abuse, I believe that most marriages can be saved and are worth fighting for. And, I also believe that there are usually signs and signals right in front of you that are indicating that (even if you don’t know it yourself yet) you suspect that you want to fight for it. I’ll discuss these signs in this article.

You Are Experiencing Strong Emotions (Even If They Are Negative Ones Like Anger, Fear, Or Frustration): People often look at me like I am crazy when I respond to phrases like ” I can’t even stand the sight of my husband right now,” or “we are constantly fighting these days,” with something like “that’s great news” or “that’s actually a positive sign.”

I know it doesn’t sound correct, but it is. If you’re angry, frightened, or hurt, this means that you still care enough to experience these emotions. There is a very thin line between positive emotions like love and intimacy and negative emotions like fear and anger. They truly are not that far apart on the emotional spectrum. The truth is, if the bond between you was dead or if the marriage had gone completely cold, you would be completely indifferent.

When women say and mean things like “I don’t care what happens anymore,” or “I have completely moved on,” then (assuming these statements are true and not just defense mechanisms, which is sometimes the case,) I am more concerned because complete indifference is more an indication that the marriage is truly over than anger or hurt.

You Know That There Are Unresolved Issues Still On The Table, Things That Could Be Tried, Or Things That Have Been Left Unsaid: I suppose I am one of those people who believes that you have to earn your way out of a marriage. What I mean by that is that I often give people my blessing about their divorce if I know that they have done every single thing that they could do to save the marriage. However, I find that this scenario is rare and I completely understand this from experience.

In times of marital crisis, people tend to go in self-preservation mode. Your walls go up. Your negotiating, compromising, and listening skills become compromised. People begin to separate or distance themselves from their spouses so it is no longer “we,” it is “I.” What’s worse is that often you can’t even see that this is happening because you are so worried about rejection, emerging the loser in the fight, or feeling like you have “given in.”These things do absolutely nothing for your marriage, though. They are only causing more distance between you and your spouse. And, they are likely only making you less happy.

In my own marriage, there were several times when this whole process wore me down. My home became such a stressful, heavy place to be and every negotiation with my husband ended in an argument. This was so emotionally draining that there were times when I just wanted to throw up my hands and say “OK, I give up. You win. Go forward with the divorce and I will sign whatever you need me to sign because I can’t live this way anymore.”

Thankfully, I never went through with that. Because some little voice in my head and some little feeling in my heart was telling me that I still hadn’t laid all of my mature and rational cards on the table. Thank goodness for this. Because of this stubbornness, I am still married today. I was behaving and responding out of fear – fear of rejection, fear of appearing weak and needy, and fear that ultimately, despite all my efforts, it wouldn’t matter anyway.

To truly fight for your marriage and win, you have to be able to separate yourself from these things and know that this is not the time for keeping score or for worrying about showing any weakness. You have to open your heart, be willing to compromise, and be willing to let go of the “I,” and focus on the “we.”

You’ve Been Focusing On What Is Wrong Rather Than On What Was (And Can Still Be) Right: Here is the biggest mistake I see when people are trying to fight for their marriage. They approach it like, well, a fight. And, there has to be a winner and a loser. And because most people want to emerge the winner and they want for their spouse to see things their way, they want to talk this thing to death. They want to debate, strong arm, or “convince” their spouse that they are right.

Here’s the problem with that. All of these things elicit negative feelings and all of these things imply that your spouse is not capable of forming his own valid opinions and his own assessment of his needs. This is not the message that you want to send. Because even if you get lucky and “win” this one this time, it’s only going to be harder when you have to do it again and it only ultimately causes resentment from your spouse and pushes them further away.

You want to create positive emotions rather than negative ones. Sometimes, you need to put the core, heated, and tough issues on the back burner until your marriage is strong enough to withstand dealing with them. First, you need to restore feelings of closeness, empathy, and affection. You do that by focusing on what is right rather than what is wrong. You put the qualities that your husband used to love about you on full display. You focus on having fun or at least positive experiences and outcomes. You break this down into day by day, and by taking baby steps toward positive exchanges.

If you do this correctly, eventually, you will wake up one day and find out that the “we” has returned. And, this is when you can begin to sort out the issues that brought you here in the first place. But, you don’t want to do this until you are truly back on solid ground. And, since you’ve reached the end of this article, I must tell you that, (at least to me), this is an indication that you suspect that your marriage is indeed worth fighting for.

I always felt that my marriage was worth saving, but I went about saving it in the wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove him further away. I begged, engaged, argued, and behaved badly sometimes. Thankfully, I soon realized where I was going wrong and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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