Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s a rare occurrence that both parties are equally on board with a divorce on the horizon. It’s also rare that both parties are at peace with the decision, sure that it is the right or best thing to do. Usually, one of the spouses would like very much to save the marriage and has nagging doubts that this very permanent solution is the right one. If you’ve found this article, I’m going to assume that you’re the spouse who doesn’t want the divorce but is at a crossroads as to what is the best course of action to take. From my research and personal experience, I believe that there is a definitive right way and wrong way to save your marriage when you’re the only one who wants to. I’ll go over both tactics (right and wrong) in the following article.

What Not To Do When You’re The Spouse Who Doesn’t Want The Divorce: I understand how you are feeling right now. You’re alone in your quest to save this marriage. And, you’re scared of doing or saying the wrong thing for fear that you are going to make the situation worse. Still, you know that you have to do something and you feel like you should do it very quickly. It’s easy to feel like time is quickly slipping away and fear that you must take immediate action. Unfortunately, these concerns can drive you to make decisions that are based on negative emotions like fear and panic. A level head is needed here and engaging in behaviors like trying to negotiate, desperately pleading for second chances, threatening, engaging, belittling, or debating only makes your spouse think that they want the divorce to happen that much faster.

Another tactic (and mistake) that I see people make is that they flat-out tell their spouses that they will not grant a divorce, no matter what. They promise to stall, to not sign papers, or to have their lawyers do everything in their power to stop or delay the divorce. I understand that they are doing this in an attempt to stop this downward slide, but it’s so important to understand that this behavior is not endearing you to your spouse. In fact, it’s only pushing him (or her) further away and will ultimately make reconciliation much less likely.

The Best Tactic To Take When You Don’t Want A Divorce: The first thing that you need to understand is that your first course of action should be to restore positive interactions between you. What you don’t want is for your spouse to run or close themselves off every time they see you. You really need to restore open and calm communication. Don’t allow for the negative connotations and interactions to continue. You may need to spell this out for your spouse and come right out and say that although you know that you disagree that a divorce is the best course, you can both agree that the interactions between you need a drastic improvement. Explain that you can’t control whether the marriage ultimately ends, but what you can control is your own behavior and your own actions. Make it very clear that the fact that the two of you are so far apart is upsetting to you because no matter what happens, your husband is an integral part of your life – and you want to maintain a good relationship – even if the marriage ends.

So, you’re going to do your part by not engaging in behaviors that run counter to this. You’re going to conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of, and you realize that your husband deserves to be happy and is committed to making this happen. Have you just given in? Not really. It appears that you have, but what you’ve really done is disarmed your husband and set a much more positive tone. He may not believe in your sincerity at first, but this is OK. Because you’re going to show him that you are serious with your actions and not your words. You’re going to think before you engage in things that will have a negative result and you’re going to focus on what will bring about the positive things you really want.

Understanding Why The Divorce Is Happening: No matter what the reason that you think you’re facing this divorce, understand that almost everything comes down to a lack of intimacy and a feeling of closeness. Infidelity, stress, fighting, and money problems all have at their core the fact that both parties feel like individuals on their own rather than as part of a united team. Once one or both of the partners stop feeling affection, empathy, and connectedness, every other small issue becomes magnified. Things that would be brushed over quickly before now become a big deal and escalate into a deal breaker. It’s so important that you restore positive feelings between you before you do anything else.

To this end, it’s very important that you take an honest look at your reality today. How far away from you from the woman (or man) that your spouse first fell in love with? I don’t mean looks or youth. I mean your easy laugh, your undivided attention, and your freely giving of yourself. So many people tell me that they feel like an island in their own home. The same spouse who used to listen intently when they talked or looked for ways to show affection or appreciation, no longer has more than a passing second for them. So many of us show strangers in the grocery store line more kindness than we show our own family. This doesn’t make us bad people. It makes us normal. We take for granted that our spouses know that we value and love them, but this assumes that they can read our minds (they can’t.)

In truth, everyone wants the same thing in their marriage. They want your time. They want your affection. They want your understanding. They want to feel like you know and understand them better than anyone else but love them passionately anyway. Always remember this when you interact with them. Because underneath all the talks of divorce is a person who is very disappointed that the person they both loved deeply is no longer there. Your job is to show your spouse that you are still there and that you can still be the person who used to fulfill them in every way. (In turn, as they become happier and more fulfilled, they will return the favor and give this back to you.)

When my husband wanted a divorce,(but I desperately wanted to save the marriage), I did not understand these principles and I went about changing his mind in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read my very personal story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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