Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: The other day, I spoke with a concerned wife who expressed fears about the state of her marriage. She reluctantly admitted that she was contemplating whether it was time to just give up. 

She described a situation where communication between her and her husband had broken down, leading to constant arguments. She confessed that the only emotions left in their relationship were frustration and anger – never love – not anymore. 

Despite her strong aversion to the idea of divorce, especially because of their children, she was uncertain if she had the strength to keep fighting. She felt like she’d already been trying for so long with no hopeful results whatsoever.

She was hoping for someone to spell out for her when is the right time to end a marriage, and when is the right time to just admit it’s finally over. 

While every situation is unique, I do have an opinion on this because of my own experience. But I’ll admit right up front that I have a bias because I did not give up on my marriage (and it may well have been beyond time to do so.) And I am still married today – in a marriage that I believe was rebuilt in such a way as to now be fulfilling for both of us.

Of course, there are times when a marriage does come to its natural end. I’ll try to help you differentiate between the two in the following article. 

Sometimes, Strong Emotions Indicate You Still Care: It’s quite common for people to be taken aback when they realize the extent of their anger or resentment towards their spouse. Many people believe that negative emotions mean you want out. But honestly, they can also mean that you want back in. 

You see, people sometimes assume that intense negative emotions or constant fighting mean that the love and affection have vanished and that it’s time to cut the losses and move on.

However, I learned from my own experience that the opposite can also be true. Intense emotions like anger, frustration, and the sensation of being driven crazy by your spouse, can signal that there are still unresolved issues – and that’s all.

The fact that you’re still experiencing strong reactions, even if they’re negative reactions, suggests that you still deeply care and are frustrated by the inability to break free from this cycle.

Think about it for a second. If you truly didn’t care about your spouse anymore (and vice versa) you’d be indifferent. You have NO emotions rather than having negative emotions.

Confusing Negative Emotions Toward Your Marriage and Your Spouse With The Fear of Loss: Another scenario where people often find themselves unsure about the fate of their marriage is when they realize they haven’t been completely open and honest. 

And people are often dishonest to themselves as a means to protect themselves emotionally. They may have held back due to fear of rejection or getting hurt. 

It may be emotionally easier to pretend that you feel negative emotions toward your spouse than to be honest and admit that your true negative emotions stem from the fear of losing your husband and your marriage. 

Negative Emotions Caused By The Nagging Feeling of Not Doing Enough: Outside of reacting to fear, some people experience negative emotions because they know deep down in their hearts that they haven’t exhausted all avenues to salvage their marriage. 

Sure, you might really want to believe you’ve done everything you could, but deep down, you sense that you might not have. It’s human nature to build emotional defenses to safeguard oneself from pain, and many of us instinctively put up barriers to shield ourselves from hurt. 

But remember that the person you’re trying to protect yourself isn’t your adversary – he’s your spouse and potentially the parent of your children. Perhaps he is not what you should fear.

Forecasting Future Emotions: One effective gauge for deciding whether it’s time to consider ending a marriage is projecting how you’ll feel about this decision in five years. 

Picture a scenario where the tensions have died down a little, and you’ve somewhat forgotten the initial reasons you were so mad and frustrated with him. 

 Will you feel relieved or regretful about the decision? Will you wonder what might have been if you’d tried harder? Or will you truly be better off without this marriage?

You may well include your children in this question, too. You might believe that your kids will be better off in a calmer household in the future. But you must also consider that they won’t have the benefit of both parents living together in the future, either. And what if you could heal the marriage so that your future household would no longer be chaotic? 

If you know you’ve exhausted every avenue before calling it a day, then that’s one scenario, but if there’s anything you haven’t yet tried, perhaps it makes sense to explore just one more avenue and give yourself a deadline to reevaluate. 

Recognizing the Right Time: Those who are at peace with the knowledge that their marriage is over generally aren’t angry or frustrated anymore. They’re serene with the situation because they know they tried what they could, and they put their whole heart into it. 

They wish their spouse well and hold no ill will toward them. They co-parent with love because they aren’t angry. They understand that both themselves and their spouse are just good individuals who aren’t suited for each other. 

People who know that their marriage came to a natural end don’t Google answers about it. They don’t ask their friends and families. Because they already know that they made the right decision, without needing to ask.