When I Try To Talk To My Husband About Our Troubled Marriage, He Refuses To Listen
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are terribly frustrated with their husband’s refusal to take their feelings and frustrations about the marriage seriously. Many wives who contact me are desperately worried about their marriage and many are quite unhappy. But their husbands don’t share in these worries and they will often try to shut down their wives’ attempts to discuss the same. Of course, in the wife’s eyes, this can sometimes only make the situation worse. One of these wives might say: “I feel like my marriage is in real trouble. My husband and I don’t talk that much anymore and are rarely intimate. I want to talk to my husband about this so that we can both come up with answers. But every time I try, he will either tell me that there is nothing wrong with our marriage or he will just out and out refuse to listen. He will sigh and roll his eyes as if to say ‘here we go again.’ He has taken this so far as to get up and leave the room. This is all so ridiculous because here I am trying to talk to him to improve our marriage, but he gets angry with me so that I end up hurting our marriage. And yet, I can’t bring myself to give up and to stop trying to talk to him. He’s my husband. This is our marriage. Why won’t he listen to me? And is there a way for me to get him to finally hear what I have to say and not to discount me?” I will offer some suggestions that might help in the following article.
Make Sure That Your Husband Doesn’t Take Your Attempts At Discussion As Criticism: Sometimes I hear from men in this situation, and many express that their wife’s concerns come out sounding like criticism. Instead of taking the discussion as you have intended it (as a way to open the lines of communication and improve your marriage,) they take it as your letting them know that they and the marriage are not making you happy. This can come out sounding like you are criticizing them so they will become defensive and refuse to talk about it. In this way, their refusal to communicate is more of a defense mechanism for their sake rather than a rejection of you or the marriage.
It’s important to remember this because many wives take the husband’s refusal to listen or talk as a rejection of them when this is not necessarily true. He may not see the severity of the situation that you see or he may be avoiding the issue in order to avoid drama or pain. And one more point, it’s pretty well known that men can sometimes lack communication skills, especially when it comes to feelings. It makes them feel inadequate and, as the result, they can sometimes shut down.
Try To Let Him See What’s In It For Him: I don’t mean to insinuate that your husband is a selfish jerk that is only concerned about his own feelings or what is happening to him. But, it’s only human nature to suddenly start listening or to give your attention when you think that what is being said directly affects you or your quality of life. So, if you can make your husband see what’s in it for him when he listens to you or dialogs with you about your concerns, then you are much more likely to get his attention and cooperation. And, sometimes, this all lies in the way that you phrase things. I mean, of course, you want more attention, affection, and validation from him. But, what does he want from you? Because if you can pinpoint what it is that might make him pay attention, and incorporate that into your conversation, you will often see him suddenly willing to talk. If you make him think that a closer or improved marriage would give him more of what he wants, I’d be willing to bet that you’re going to find yourself talking to a much more involved and attentive husband.
Make Sure He Knows That Talking Will Be Followed Up With Action. People Get Tired Of Constantly Talking When It Leads To Nowhere: Some men admit that they grow tired of talking when nothing ever changes. I often hear comments like: “all my wife wants to do is to talk. Well, I’m all talked out because it’s like we go around in circles. Nothing ever really changes. Because it’s just all talk and no action, I start to just tune her out.” Ask yourself if this could be one of the problems in your marriage. If you’re talking at him on a regular basis, but then neither of you end up making any changes or taking any action, you have to realize that it’s possible that his unwillingness to listen right now could be due to his doubt that it’s going to make any differences at all.
Setting The Stage To Have A Productive Conversation About Your Marriage: Don’t try to bring this up when you’re fighting or one of you is on edge. In fact, you’ll often have more success if you bring it up when things are going well and when you can be somewhat playful. Tell him that some things about your marriage concern you and you’d like to discuss what both of you need in order to be happier and more fulfilled. Make sure that you are approachable and nonjudgmental. You don’t want him to be afraid or nervous about being completely honest. He needs to feel as if he can be forthcoming and that you will act on and take to heart whatever he says. If things begin to get tense or don’t go well, don’t push. Don’t allow this to lead to an argument. Try to then make some positive changes and have a positive attitude so that when you come back to this topic the next time, he will have positive reinforcement and he’ll be more willing to talk more. This might be a gradual process, but if it gets you the results you want, it can certainly be worth it. And you deserve to feel heard.
I wish that I had used these tactics when I knew that my marriage was in real trouble. My husband never wanted to talk about it and, by the time we got around to actually having a meaningful discussion, it was when we were already separated. At that point, things had greatly deteriorated. But, I was able to use some of these tactics for positive reinforcement during our separation and it helped a good deal. We did save our marriage so the process was most certainly worth it. If it helps, you can read about that entire recovery process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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