Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Understandably, there is often a big rush to get your spouse back home when you are separated. It would be extremely rare for me to hear someone say that they actually enjoyed their separation, especially if they never wanted it to begin with. No, living alone and apart during the separation feels very weird and lonely to most people. Dealing with the fear and the uncertainty as to what is going to happen with your marriage and your family is very taxing and scary. So, it’s understandable that most people want to get this over with as soon as is possible.

Someone might ask: “When are you supposed to move back in after a separation? We’ve been separated for nearly six months. We didn’t even talk for the first two months. I was so angry at him for some of the things that he did during our marriage. We started talking again at about the three month mark, and we very slowly got to the point where we are now – where we can spend periods of time together enjoying one another’s company. I want to ask my husband to move back in but his sister – who is also one of my best friends – is telling me that it is too soon. I know that she is concerned about me. But I don’t want to hear this. Six months is long enough to be without my husband and to be living alone. How long before you are supposed to move back in when you are separated?”

Understandable Doubts About Moving Back In Too Soon After A Separation: I know how you feel. When I was separated, all I could think about were schemes to get my husband to move back home. My situation was a little different though because he was the one who initiated the separation. And I was the one doing everything in my power to change things.

I admit that every time my husband and I seemed to make even the tiniest bit of progress, I would fantasize about him coming back home. There were even times when I would have the words on my lips. But I would always chicken out for a couple of reasons. First, I always was scared he would say no. And for good reason. It took us a while to make progress. And in the beginning, even when we would make progress, it was fragile.

Second, I was extremely scared that as soon as he moved back home, the same issues that always plagued us were going to crop up. I knew how hard it was to make things better in that state. And I knew that if he moved back in and it didn’t work, then I was likely looking at a divorce. So I didn’t want to chance it.

Because of my fears and doubts, I actually waited for him to broach the topic. And I believe that this was vital. Because I honestly think that if we had rushed it, we may not have made it. And we may not be married today as a result.

A Compromise That Just May Make Waiting To Have Him Move Home More Bearable:  I know that you want him home.  I know that the idea of spending more time alone seems utterly unbearable.  But why not have a gradual build up to this?  Why not have him increasingly spend more time at home without adding the pressure of announcing that he has officially moved back in.  Many people start out with weekends and then they increase the time until they’re adding in holidays and special occasions.  Before you know it, he’s practically living with you and anyway and you don’t need to put so much pressure on him.  A big advantage of this hybrid model is that if things go sour, he can go back to his place for a couple of days and you can regroup.  You’re not having the trauma of him moving back out again.  You can simply take a break and start fresh when you are able to.  This limits your risk, which can be very important.

The Ideal Time To Move Back In: So my answer to the question of when to move back in is when you are absolutely sure that the major issues have been ironed out so you know that you are going to be able to not only get along, but to thrive. That is why I always suggest that couples ease into this. If you only see each other for hours at a time, then it is a risk to move back in together immediately. That’s why I think it’s better to try out some weekends, holidays and then a week or two together first. Because spending weekends together will give you a test run before you attempt to move back in full time.

Remind Yourself Of The Risks Of Rushing: I know that you probably wanted me to say that moving back in immediately would probably be fine. But honestly, I’ve seen too many couples fail to encourage this for everyone. And when you move back in and you fail, then where is there? You’ve already separated, so the next step would be a divorce.

That’s why it’s so important to get it right the first time. That’s why it’s so vital to make sure that the timing works and that you are sure everything has been ironed out and that both people truly want it equally. I’ve always felt that you will both almost know when the time is right because you are full of enthusiasm and free of fears and doubts. If you are still having the doubts enough that you are asking the question, then perhaps you have just a little more work to do. And there is nothing at all wrong with that. I know that it may feel like you’re crawling along when you want to run, but sometimes, slow and steady wins the race.

I was desperate for my husband to move back in, but looking back now, waiting was very beneficial.  Because by the time he did move back on, we had hit our groove and were in a good place and it felt very natural, which removed much of the pressure.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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