Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I think that most separated couples fantasize about a honeymoon period when they finally reconcile.  The hope is that everything is going to be more than fine.  There’s a fantasy that both people will be enthusiastic, willing, and open to just moving on. Ideally, both would be confident that the worst was behind them and that they could move forward with anticipation and excitement.

This isn’t always reality, though.  A good deal of the time, there is trepidation, awkwardness, and doubt. No one wants to be hurt again.  No one wants to be rejected.  No one wants to be overly enthusiastic when their spouse just isn’t into it.  So, people can hold back.  Fear can make you walk on eggshells.  Misunderstandings can cause arguments.  And once that vicious cycle starts, there can be a real concern that he is going to leave again or that the separation could resume.

Here’s what I mean.  You could hear: “my husband has only been home for nine days.  When we were separated, I used to tell myself that if I could just get him home, then we could withstand anything.  I thought that no matter what came up, we could work it out. I thought that if we could make enough progress to end the separation, then nothing could stop us.  Well, now I am starting to doubt all of this.  Since my husband has been home, things have been very awkward.  I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells and I feel as if he’s very unhappy.  I worry that he will eventually leave again.  We’re not communicating very well so I am not sure how we will be able to work past this.  I feel like he’s going to have a low tolerance for any stress in our marriage. When does it start to feel normal again after he returns home from a separation?”

It truly does depend on the couple and why the husband left in the first place.  Also, a great deal of success depends upon how well you worked through and addressed the issues that caused the disconnect.  I know that it’s tempting to take him back any way that you can get him.  But if you do this without working through any of the issues, then it’s a fair bet that the issues are going to crop up and rear their ugly heads.  And if you don’t have an answer to these reoccurring issues, that’s where the doubt and worry comes in.

To counter this, we will often tell ourselves that we will be on our best behavior (or as you said “walk on eggshells,”) but this just isn’t sustainable for the long term.  No one can be on their best behavior every day of their life.  No one can tip toe through their marriage indefinitely. Married couples have to eventually contend with real life.  And if the core strength and bond of your marriage has never recovered, then real life may be difficult to navigate.

However, working through your issues when your marriage / reconciliation is already fragile and strained can be tricky.  Pressure and anxiety can be too much for a marriage that is already struggling.  So it’s important to not ignore the problem, but also to not dwell so much on it that you forget the positive things that have happened.

Yes, things are not quite going as you had hoped.  But he is home.  That makes life easier.  Don’t expect to have the perfect marriage overnight. Don’t assume that a few struggles are going to mean divorce. You don’t want your anxiety to cause a self-fulfilling prophecy. But do not hesitate to really see the core issues and then address and fix what is keeping you from having the marriage that you deserve.

It’s very normal to want to zip it up when things feel as if they are falling apart, but all that does is magnify the problem.  What you are dealing with is common, so there is no need to panic.  The transition between separation and reconciliation isn’t always smooth.  But it can be worse if you allow the misconceptions to multiply.  Speak up.  Keep the lines of communication open.  Let your spouse know that you’re flexible and trying.

Try a conversation like: “I know we’re having a few bumps along the way during this reconciliation, but I think that’s to be expected.  And I think that we need to talk about things as they come up so that we give ourselves the best chance to succeed. I know that I need to relax more, but I just want this to work so badly.  I love you and I want for us to not only limp along, but to be happy and to have the marriage that we want and deserve.  Can we talk about what we both need to do to make that happen?”

Then, listen to his response.  He may admit that he has had the same worries and he may be very relieved to get this on the table.  Some couples need help navigating this.  Don’t hesitate to get counseling if you need it.  Your reconciliation is too important not to do everything that you can to succeed.  Just treading lighting and being too scared to discuss the issues is probably the worst thing that you can do, although I know that this route can feel “safer” at the time.

That said, the safe route can be regrettable in the end.  I know this first hand.  I put my head in the sand for fear of speaking up and I almost ended up divorced because of it.  I had to take a hard look at myself, at our problems, and at what I was REALLY doing to fix it in order to save my marriage.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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