Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re trying to save your marriage, chances are that you’ve either already tried many strategies – or are considering them. And that’s understandable. Because it often feels like if you do nothing, then you have zero chance of getting any positive results.

When I was facing a divorce, I spent tons of time reading everything that I could, and I got myself scattered chasing various types of advice. 

Unfortunately, very little of it made any difference at all. And I think that much of that stemmed from the fact that much of this advice has you tackling major problems very early on. 

 And I know that I’m not alone. I often speak with people who’ve been told that they need to get down to the nitty-gritty of their marital problems from the jump – that they need to go over their marriage with a fine-tooth comb. And then everyone is surprised when this doesn’t work. Here’s why I think there’s a better way.

Why Going for the Most Troubling Marital Issues Early On May Set You Up For Failure: It’s normal to feel very pressured and hurried when you are facing a divorce. You feel like you need to erase your biggest problems yesterday.  

Many separated wives feel that they only have a limited amount of time, so they’d better get to it as soon as they can, and they then get scattered by new methods that they think could possibly work. 

Unfortunately, many “save your marriage” programs feed on this thought process, and they want you to address the “tough stuff” right away. But, in my opinion, this advice can miss the mark by not addressing debilitating tensions first – at least that was true in my case and in the cases of others I know.

After all, if you and your husband can’t communicate with ease and openness, any delving into your problems is going to be met with defensiveness and resistance, and that sets you up for failure. 

I learned (and now believe) it’s important to reestablish positive feelings and empathy first. Because if you can restore affection and respect, then you and your husband will eventually be ready for long-term change and the work you’ll need to do when your marriage can withstand the scrutiny. (And this method works particularly well if you feel like you’re the only one who cares about saving your marriage.)

Where You Can Get Tripped Up When You Try to Save Your Marriage and Risk Alienating Your Spouse: Sometimes, when you’re following traditional “save your marriage” advice, you’ll be given exercises that encourage you to have difficult discussions with your spouse.

The problem with this is that there is often one spouse who wants to save the marriage while the other wants to leave it. And the spouse who “wants out” will rarely sit there and participate in these “difficult conversations” with patience and willingness. Instead, they’re going to do everything in their power to escape – even if that means avoiding you or not participating willingly or sincerely. 

Not surprisingly, the spouse who wants to save the marriage can feel rejected and defeated, and may just give up well before they need to. But they aren’t really in a hopeless situation – they’re just premature.   I can’t tell you how close I was to giving up several times during my own separation.  Thankfully, I didn’t, and I am still married today.

Why Reestablishing a Positive Relationship on Any Level is Worth Doing Before You Attempt to “Fix” the Hard Issues: It may be obvious to you that you aren’t going to get your husband to be loving, attentive, and invested tomorrow. That isn’t realistic.

But what you might be able to do is establish a somewhat positive, easy rapport over time. And this may feel more like a friendship than a marriage initially. And that is fine. Because your goal is to gradually build upon your easy relationship until it turns into something more. 

You want to cultivate mutual respect, empathy, and a sense of “we.” 

Because if you can do that, you may eventually get to a place where both people are willing to then work through the issues dividing them. That’s when you’ll do the work, but taking the time to reestablish a positive relationship allows “the work” to actually be successful. In my experience, it is never a waste of time. 

The Unexpected Benefits of Focusing on Feelings Rather Than Fixing:  Many people are understandably scared to prioritize feelings over fixing because they don’t feel they have the luxury of time. But, let me try to alleviate your fears by pointing out some of the very positive benefits of placing your focus on feelings.

When you focus on positivity and restoring rapport, you remind your spouse of the vibrant, fun person he first fell in love with. When he begins to look at you a little differently, this can boost your self-esteem and confidence to keep going, which you sometimes desperately need.

And by making sure you are somewhat connected again, you’re actually making the job ahead much easier, and shorter. Think about it. How receptive was your husband when you first dated? Likely very. Because he was more than willing to focus on the positive rather than the negative. He wanted to focus on the feelings. If you can get to this place again, your work is so much easier.  

Know When Your Marriage Is Too Fragile: While I understand why some think you need to tackle your difficult problems right away, I have come to believe that many marriages are just too fragile to withstand this. So although you may have the best intentions, you may actually be burying your marriage before it even has a chance.

In my experience, you are much better off waiting until you are in a better place, even if that means taking a brief break. Because you may eventually be rewarded with a husband who is invested and receptive again. And that makes your chances of success much greater. 

I know that my asking you to delay “the work” may feel scary and uncertain. And truly, if your marriage can withstand it, go for it. 

But if you’ve already tried picking apart your problems and have been met with resistance or avoidance, you might already see or sense that it either doesn’t work or it presents a risk. Why not wait just a little while until you can get your marriage back to the point where it can withstand working through the “tough stuff?”

By restoring the positivity between you, the relationship follows a logical progression where you only move forward when you have the necessary cooperation. 

As I’ve alluded to, I had to back up several times during my own separation and just wait for better opportunities.  I didn’t enjoy that at the time and got quite discouraged.  But it is part of the reason I am still married today.  My marriage could not have withstood the scrutiny and I needed to reestablish the feelings with my husband first.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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