Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are considering writing a letter to try to patch things up with their spouse. Sometimes, the conflict is only a small one. Most of the time though, I hear about the conflicts that are large ones. In fact, some of the conflicts are so large that they threaten the marriage. So those words that you write can become vitally important because you can feel as if your marriage is at stake.

Common comments are things like: “I made a big mistake in my marriage. I have been corresponding with my old fiancé. Nothing inappropriate has happened. It was only writing back and forth. But I didn’t tell my husband about this. I am not sure why, looking back on it now. Because I never had any intention of doing anything with my ex. I guess I just didn’t want for my husband to get the wrong idea and to think that I was being unfaithful when I wasn’t. Unfortunately, my husband found some of my emails and he found out about the correspondence anyway. Now, he says that he can’t trust me. And he says he isn’t sure that he wants to be married to someone who he can’t trust. He won’t listen to me when I try to talk to him face to face. So I want to write him a letter. What can I say to show him that I love him and that I am so sorry for what I did?” I will try to address this correspondence below.

Understand That What You Do Is More Important Than What You Say Or Write: I know that it’s very attractive to think that there may be some magic words that might make this right again. But often, it’s not so easy. Especially when trust is involved. The faithful spouse will often want to wait and watch. They want to see how you are going to act over time. And there is no way for you to convey this with your words because your spouse is going to know that it is in your best interest to say whatever you need to say in order make this problem go away.  I’m not telling you this to upset you, but to be honest with you so that you know the best way to handle this in order to get the best result.

Make Sure That Any Words That You Write Tells Your Spouse What They Can Expect To See From You In The Future: Of course you want to write heartfelt words that are true. Of course you want to say words that will show your spouse your true sorrow and your true love for them, but I think that it is equally important to show your spouse that you have a plan in place about how to move past this. You want to set the stage for your spouse to see you conducting yourself with honesty, integrity, and sincerity moving forward.

A Suggested Way To Start Your Letter: I know that it’s tempting to try to defend yourself or offer up some explanation that paints you in a more favorable light. But I would suggest taking responsibility for your actions instead. It should be clear that your real concern is with your spouse and with your marriage and not with yourself.

So a suggestion might be something like: “I understand why you don’t want to talk to me right now, but I hope that at some point you will take the time to read this because there are some things that I want for you to know. The hope is that an explanation might help to put this in perspective. I can promise you that there was not anything inappropriate now in the present time nor was there going to be anything inappropriate in the future. My not telling you about the correspondence is a mistake that I am going to regret for the rest of my life. I do not know why I didn’t tell you.  I suspect that I didn’t want for you to feel uncertainly about our marriage, since I knew that there was nothing for you to worry about. If you go through all of the emails, which I welcome, you will see that there isn’t anything objectionable other than the fact that I wasn’t more forthcoming. I regret not telling you more than I can possible say and if given the chance, I will spend the rest of my life showing you that you can trust me. I know that you probably need some time to process this and I will give you whatever you need moving forward. But I did want for you to know that I love you more than anything in the world and I value our marriage more than anything else. I have and will continue to cut off all contact with the other person. When you are ready to talk about this, all you have to do is say the word and I will be there.”

As I alluded to before, often words are not going to be enough when matters of trust are involved. But at least you have set the tone and you have assured your spouse that you aren’t going to abandon them through these difficult times because you not only take responsibility for your actions, but you are willing to do whatever is necessary to move past this.

When my husband and I separated, I wrote many letters to try to set the stage for a reconciliation.  It took me entirely too long to realize that my husband was looking for actions and not words.  Once I understood this, I sprang into action and this made all of the difference. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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