Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There are certain sets of words that you never want to hear from your spouse when you are married. “I don’t love you anymore” is one. “It’s over” is another. Many people have no idea how they are supposed to react when they hear these words, especially if they don’t agree with them.

A wife might explain: “last weekend, my husband and I got into a huge fight. During it, my husband told me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I didn’t panic about this quite frankly because I thought he was just saying this in the heat of the moment. And honestly, when we were fighting and saying awful things to one another, I didn’t want to be married to him all that much either. But then a couple of days passed and I saw my husband making a list of apartments at the kitchen table. I asked him what he was doing and he looked at me very serious and said ‘I already told you that it was over. What do you think I’m doing?’ I was stunned and I didn’t say anything. So he asked me what my response was and he said that it made him angry that I just stared at him blankly. Are there any words to use in response to this? I don’t know what to say and frankly, I don’t want to say anything because I don’t agree that it’s over. But if I tell him this, then we’re going to get in a huge fight.”

I completely understand this. I found it very hard to engage with my husband when discussing our separation because I didn’t agree with his thought process or his actions. And when he alluded to the fact that it was over, I was never going to agree with this because it was not over for me.

Turns out, we did eventually reconcile, so my agreeing that it was over would have been a lie. I’m glad I didn’t say it. But over the course of our marriage falling apart and our subsequent separation, I often had to fashion some sort of response.

Sometimes, my emotions got the better of me and I spewed something that I later regretted. But the responses which actually made things better were very deliberate and very measured.

This is only my opinion, but I think that the best responses were non committal and went something like this. “It hurts me to hear you say that and I’m sorry you feel that way. I know that I can’t control your feelings and actions, but I wish that you would reconsider. I feel strongly that we could work it out if given that chance.”

I worded it this way for a reason. This doesn’t sound desperate, which is important. It also doesn’t have a critical tone. You aren’t telling your husband he’s wrong. You aren’t telling him that he is selfish. You aren’t debating his reasoning. You’re simply saying that it makes you sad that he feels this way and you wish that he would reconsider.  He can’t really argue much with that.

It’s also important to note what you are not saying. You are not telling him that you’re going to change his mind or that both of you will be sorry. You’re not making threats or telling him how things are going to be. So, you’re not doing anything that would make him feel defensive or would encourage him to quicken his pace so that he would move out that much sooner.

Instead, you’re showing him that you are calm and approachable and are open to making a change. More importantly, you are laying the groundwork to have access to him if he does move out. This is vitally important if you want to reconcile. Because in order to successfully do that, you will often need access to your husband. And, it certainly helps if you are on good terms with him.

I find it a bit interesting that he is so interested in your response. Could it be that his saying “it’s over” is more meant to get a response out of you than it is to really end your marriage? Sometimes, when people feel that they are not getting the reaction that they want or need, they will just say something meant to get even a negative reaction. That could certainly be the case here.

Still, I would take this very seriously. My not taking my husband’s unhappiness seriously resulted in my being completely unprepared when he left.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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