Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that many desperate spouses are looking for something to do or say to save their marriage. Often, one spouse is considering a way out while the other wants to save the marriage at all costs. So sometimes, there can be an idea that if you just knew what to say, or you could say what is in your heart with the right words, you could somehow save your marriage.

A wife in this situation might say, “My husband and I are separated, and because he doesn’t live here, I don’t get to talk to him as often as I’d like. When I do talk to him, I have to be very hesitant because, at times, it’s like talking to a stranger. He is quick to anger, and he constantly finds fault with whatever I say. Lately, it is hard for us to talk without fighting. I so badly want to change this dynamic because I so badly want to save my marriage. I don’t think that he’s nearly as motivated to do that as I am. Lately, when I’m around him, I get tongue-tied. I know that there must be something to say that will make my situation better and hopefully lead to me saving my marriage. But I don’t know what that something is. Everything I try gets a poor response. What can I say to my husband to save my marriage?”

I too used to think that there were magic words that would help me save my marriage when I was separated. And frankly, I did save my marriage. But it wasn’t solely because of what I said. It was because of what I said and THEN because of what I did. 

Don’t get me wrong. There are definitely words and phrases that you can use that might get your husband’s attention. And I’ll share them below. But if all you do is talk, your husband is likely to remain unconvinced and think that you are all talk and no action.

While the perfect thing to say is going to be individual to many couples and based on the situation, I believe that some general phrases can work well in most situations. You can tweak these phrases to be more personal to your situation and your marriage. Below are the phrases that I think are beneficial. 

I Want to Listen to What You Have to Say:  

If you remember nothing else from this article, please remember this. Your spouse wants to be heard. Your spouse wants to believe that you understand and appreciate what he’s telling you. He wants to know that you will sit there and allow him to talk uninterrupted until he is finished saying what he needs to say.

Even more importantly, he wants to know that you understand what he is saying and that you don’t judge him for it even if you think that he is wrong. It’s important that if you say that you’re willing to listen, you are willing to back it up and listen without judgment or interruption. Your goal is to make him feel heard first and foremost. Do not have any other agenda because he can tell the difference.

Initially, he may not wish to talk about anything that seems important or earth shattering. That’s okay. You just want to set a precedent of him talking and you listening.

What is the One Thing You Would Change if You Could?  

Sometimes, it is tricky to ask this question. Sometimes, you have to sneak it in at a nostalgic or unexpected moment, but the answer to this question is important. Because you’re often not dealing with only one issue when you are separated. There is likely more than one.  

As a result, it’s easy to become scattered, overwhelmed, and discouraged. It can feel like you have too many problems to effectively solve, and so you may as well give up. But if you can talk your husband into naming the most troublesome problem, then suddenly you know where to place your focus.

And if you have success on that one issue, then your husband may begin to realize that making positive changes is no longer out of the question. 

I’m Willing to Compromise or Meet You HalfWay:  

People who tell me that there is no hope for their marriage often don’t understand one very important truth. Being apart from your spouse and being alone has a way of making people more willing to compromise than they were before.

There were some issues about which I was unwilling to budge in my own marriage – until I spent weeks and weeks alone. And then you can bet that I became more willing to give a little. The issues that seemed so set in stone before suddenly seemed more flexible.  

People’s perceptions can definitely change during a separation, and you can often use this to your advantage.

I’m Willing to Be Patient and Take a Gradual Approach:

So often in this separation scenario, I see one spouse who wants some space and time and another spouse who wants to lure the other home as soon as possible. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that something has to give.

When you have an immediate or an “all or nothing” mindset, you’re much more likely to pressure your husband. And husbands who initiate separations don’t want to be pressured. They want time.  

This may not be what you want to hear. I didn’t want to hear this, either. I fought against it with everything I had because I had my own agenda. But I was forced to accept a more gradual timeline.

Don’t wait until you are forced. You will do yourself a huge favor if you accept that this process might gradual. I know you want magic words that you can say and have everything all fall into place. And saying the right words at the right time definitely helps and gives you a starting point. But you’ll need to follow those words with actions and work methodically to truly save your marriage so that both spouses are equally on board and enthusiastic.

I know that the process may seem daunting to you now, but it’s not impossible. My marriage truly looked doomed. And I was able to be eventually be successful. You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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